My son and his girlfriend recently vacationed in Tokyo. On their return, my son declared, \u201cThere\u2019s a glimmering jewel of Japanese culture America should adopt.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh boy,\u201d I thought, strapping in for a grandiose Gen Z take on the dismal state of America.<\/p>\n
Even as I braced for some hefty proposition about government, climate, or maybe even nuclear power, I realized the discourtesy of disarming his premise before actually hearing it. So, I quickly asked myself, which Japanese developments have improved the lot of human existence the world over?<\/p>\n
Several came to mind, including the microprocessor, fiber optics and the Toyota Camry. <\/p>\n
The more I thought about it the longer the list grew, and soon I had grown genuinely curious to know what my son found so great.<\/p>\n
\u201cJapanese toilets are awesome,\u201d he finally began. \u201cThey wash your backside.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean, they have bidets?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot bidets. You just push a button and a wand comes out and spritzes you clean right where you sit. It\u2019s all built in.\u201d<\/p>\n
He paused, perhaps waiting for approval. <\/p>\n
\u201cThey play sounds, too,\u201d he continued. \u201cYou know, to mask your \u2018noises.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kinds of sounds,\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, there\u2019s a jungle track with bongo drums and screeching monkeys that does a fantastic job.\u201d<\/p>\n
As I contemplated what a blessing this would be to my wife\u2019s ears, I couldn\u2019t help but wonder what might go wrong with a wand that spray-washes your nether region.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoesn\u2019t it hose down the old wedding tackle?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot at all. It has two spray settings that are anatomically tailored and remarkably accurate. Toilet paper is strictly for dabbing off excess moisture.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s Japan,\u201d I said. \u201cHow\u2019d you pick the right squirt if you don\u2019t know Kanji?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe control panel has gender-specific Emojis,\u201d he explained. \u201cIt\u2019s really quite obvious.\u201d<\/p>\n
I envisioned this pair of Emojis, waving from the cab of a speeding locomotive as it smashes into a mountain of post-modernist non-binary pronouns.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat might not go over too well here in America anymore,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I don\u2019t know about that,\u201d he said, \u201cthere could be a real market for it. I mean, when did Glenwood Springs get its first toilet? Less than 150 years ago? If you think about it, American toilet technology hasn\u2019t really progressed much beyond the outhouse.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not completely accurate, son,\u201d I said. \u201cAmerica has applied a good bit of intellectual firepower to toilets \u2014 even in the time I\u2019ve been alive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh yea? Like what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, when I was a kid, American toilets flushed a good three gallons of water. As you might imagine, they could move some mass. Then, a few years before you were born, Congress passed the Energy Policy Act, which mandated among other things that all new toilets get the job done on a mere 1.6 gallons per flush. Some toilets now work on as little as 1 gallon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYep. It was an interesting time of change in America, too. While bowl manufacturers ran ads demonstrating how many golf balls their water efficient toilets could swallow, plunger sales skyrocketed. To help the cause, a rock star named Sheryl Crow advised Americans to adopt a one-toilet-paper-square per restroom visit policy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that could be a problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot really,\u201d I said. \u201cNo one ever tried her advice more than once.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I mean Japanese toilets could violate the Energy Policy Act.\u201d<\/p>\n
And with those words I saw the entrepreneurial zeal in my son\u2019s eyes flicker and trail off like a wisp of sandalwood incense.<\/p>\n
After a long, pensive pause, he spoke up again.<\/p>\n
\u201cToo bad, you know? Japanese toilets might improve American hygiene.\u201d<\/p>\n
I shrugged, for there really wasn\u2019t anything else to say, and after another short silence, my son took the conversation elsewhere.<\/p>\n
Later that day, as I reflected on my son\u2019s disappointment, I thought I heard the voice of Pat Morita whisper, \u201cMan who catch fly with chopstick probably use American toilet.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mitch Mulhall is a husband, father and longtime Roaring Fork Valley resident. His column appears monthly in the Post Independent and at postindependent.com.<\/p>\n