{"id":1313893,"date":"2019-08-22T23:16:00","date_gmt":"2019-08-23T05:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.postindependent.com\/toussaint-column-text-messages-make-foils-of-us-all\/"},"modified":"2019-08-23T08:30:22","modified_gmt":"2019-08-23T14:30:22","slug":"toussaint-column-text-messages-make-foils-of-us-all","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/local-news\/toussaint-column-text-messages-make-foils-of-us-all\/","title":{"rendered":"Toussaint column: Text messages make foils of us all"},"content":{"rendered":"
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In early summer, my friend Jae Gregory texted me to hurry to Lowe\u2019s lest I miss the sale on \u201cold-fashioned panties.\u201d Perfect for the flowerpots on my deck!<\/p>\n

Hmm.<\/p>\n

Of course, Jae meant PANSIES. But autocorrect makes fools of us all by making us say things we didn\u2019t Nintendo.<\/p>\n

Before smartphones, I regarded phones with suspicion, the way I view that Nigerian prince who claims there\u2019s a fortune waiting if you\u2019ll just front him a couple thousand. Because I\u2019m hearing impaired, I don\u2019t conduct business over the phone. The likelihood of misunderstanding numbers, dollars and dates is high, the odds receiving scam calls even higher.<\/p>\n

But text messages changed everything. Quick and understandable, they transformed the way I personify my phone. Now, rather than regarding it as a slippery con man, I regard it more as a solicitous, but socially awkward, maiden aunt.<\/p>\n

For example, my friend Lynette DeNike, a fine writer and damned articulate person, complains, \u201cAutocorrect on my tablet is an ongoing battle. It was easily disabled on my laptop, but seems to be an integral \u2018feature\u2019 for Samsung handheld devices. It wants to prohibit my cursing. The only vices I have left are cursing and artificial sweeteners!\u201d<\/p>\n

Voice recognition is everywhere, so I should clarify that what I\u2019m chuckling about are text messages dictated to my smartphone. Both iPhones and Androids can take dictation, but tech pundits generally report that Apple\u2019s voice recognition is more accurate.<\/p>\n

Apple\u2019s Siri was the first voice assistant in major release. Premiered in 2011, it\u2019s now integrated into iPhones, iPads, the AppleWatch, Macs and Apple TV. Many early users expressed frustration at Siri\u2019s misinterpretation of voice commands, but Apple\u2019s voice recognition is now reportedly approaching the level of human accuracy. (Better than I hear on the phone.)<\/p>\n

Until I started research for this column, I hadn\u2019t realized that my Macbook would take dictation. I read it a couple stanzas of Jabberwocky, and got this: \u201cbeware the jabber walk my son the jobs that bite the claws that catch beware the job Joe Bird mention that from me to spend or snatch\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s pretty impressive, considering all the nonsense words that have to be rendered using phonics.<\/p>\n

Although my Android can\u2019t compete with my Mac for accuracy, the phone provides more entertainment. Its howlers prompt me to wonder how the program works. I assume it makes educated guesses based on how often words are used in conversation. Smartphones also learn their owners\u2019 vocabularies; mine now knows that I frequently mention Aspen and Glenwood Springs.<\/p>\n

However, my phone seems so unexplainably preoccupied with genitalia, bodily functions and the devil, I\u2019m going to have to revise my previous characterization of it: It\u2019s not a maiden aunt. It\u2019s a hormone-plagued adolescent.<\/p>\n

A quick Internet search shows that my experience is common. A few examples:<\/p>\n

\u201cMy horny asian was bigger than expected\u201d (It was really a herniation)<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want chicken vaginas for dinner?\u201d (Actually, chicken fajitas)<\/p>\n

Then there was this exchange:<\/p>\n

\u201cI saw your penis for sale on Craigslist. Is it still available?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m thinking of keeping that; I\u2019m selling my Prius.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cApologies \u2013 this is a new phone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it IS Craigslist, so you never know.\u201d<\/p>\n

These examples prompted me to ask friends what they experienced. Glenda Leatherman wrote, \u201cAs it turns out, I am quite the glandular girl. Changes my name \u2018Glenda\u2019 to \u2018glands.\u2019 At least it wasn\u2019t \u2018gonad\u2019!\u201d<\/p>\n

Stanette Rose\u2019s phone regularly changes her name to \u201cSatan.\u201d Autocorrect does the same thing to Rachel Mulry\u2019s son\u2019s name. She and her husband got so they would regularly exchange texts about their son Sagan saying things like \u201cSatan is finally asleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristi Van Pernis\u2019 surname usually falls victim to the phone\u2019s fascination with genitalia.<\/p>\n

Cara Lynch was giving directions to her house. They came out, \u201cOn the right. It\u2019s the one with all the dicks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sarah Rankin Gordon kept trying to text her husband to say, \u201cMy doctor recommended bloodwork.\u201d The phone repeatedly changed the message to \u201cMy doctor recommended bloodworm.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kate Friesen, the \u201ctrailboss\u201d of a local Western music group, writes, \u201cIt\u2019s really, really hard to write in cowboy talk whenever I send out messages to the Cowboy Corral! Never wants me to drop a g when I wanna say ropin\u2019 an tyin\u2019. Git along little dogies becomes get along little doggies \u2014 who talks like that?\u201d<\/p>\n

All in all, I think the following exchange, found in a collection online, nails it:<\/p>\n

\u201cI saw an earthquake on CNN. You okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did it rate on the titty scale?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey only jiggled a bit, so probably not that high.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHa, ha, ha. I meant Richter scale. My phone is a 12-year-old boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nicolette Toussaint lives in Carbondale. Her column appears monthly.<\/p>\n

via:: Post Independent<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In early summer, my friend Jae Gregory texted me to hurry to Lowe\u2019s lest I miss the sale on \u201cold-fashioned panties.\u201d Perfect for the flowerpots on my deck! Hmm. Of course, Jae meant PANSIES. But autocorrect makes fools of us all by making us say things we didn\u2019t Nintendo. Before smartphones, I regarded phones with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[160],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-1313893","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-local-news"},"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-06-26 11:35:13","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSKE Ski Country","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1313893","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1313893"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1313893\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1313898,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1313893\/revisions\/1313898"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1313893"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1313893"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kske\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1313893"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}