{"id":802116,"date":"2019-12-08T15:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-12-08T22:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.summitdaily.com\/?p=375651"},"modified":"2019-12-08T15:00:00","modified_gmt":"2019-12-08T22:00:00","slug":"opinion-biff-america-a-blowhard-friend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/local-news\/opinion-biff-america-a-blowhard-friend\/","title":{"rendered":"Opinion | Biff America: A blowhard friend"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Jeffrey Bergeron, Summit Daily News<\/strong>
Jeffrey Bergeron, Summit Daily News<\/em><\/figcaption><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n

I could have bought the most expensive inflatable sex doll the store had to offer. After all, it was not my money. But being fiscally prudent, I took it upon myself to seek out the best bang for the buck and buy a cheaper model. And I must say, the wear and tear from a decade in the garage was a testimonial to its poor quality. <\/p>\n

Perhaps I should back up a little.<\/p>\n

About 10 years ago, I was commissioned to have a promotional photo taken for an East Coast publication.<\/p>\n

The photo editor thought it would be funny to have a picture of me sitting at my computer, the mountains as a backdrop and scattered around me would be skis, boots and a clutter of various outdoor recreational gear.<\/p>\n

When I told him I could have a local photographer come to my home, take the photos and email an invoice and photos to him, he was delighted. <\/p>\n

Almost as an afterthought he said, \u201cJust for grins, in a few of the shots place an inflatable doll way in the background, maybe propped up in the corner. Don\u2019t make it obvious, and make sure you take lots of shots with it not included.\u201d<\/p>\n

When I explained that I didn\u2019t own an inflatable doll, he seemed doubtful, but told me to buy one and invoice him the cost.<\/p>\n

One would think that it might be necessary to travel to one of those Front Range inflatable doll chain stores to purchase such a product. Not so. Not only was I able to find a great selection up here in the mountains, but the stores guaranteed to meet or beat Denver prices.<\/p>\n

The sales girl, after listening to my explanation why I needed the doll, (she seemed doubtful) showed me several products with various features. When I picked the least expensive model, the clerk cautioned me that the doll in question would not hold up to rough use.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou might want to spend a little more cash and get a more durable doll,\u201d she said before adding, \u201cAnd on this product, we have a no return policy.\u201d (Which seems reasonable).<\/p>\n

I will say one thing for that sales lady, she knew her inventory. The doll barely held air through an hourlong photo session.<\/p>\n

As per the photo editor\u2019s suggestion, we had it propped up in the corner. Before long, the doll developed poor posture, due to leaking and began to slump. Soon after, her legs buckled, and she hit the ground.<\/p>\n

Truth is, I bought the cheapest doll because I assumed I\u2019d throw it away once the shoot was completed. There was no room in my life for another woman.<\/p>\n

My wife had other ideas. \u201cLet\u2019s put her in our garden like a scarecrow,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t want to bring up the letters we\u2019d been receiving from our homeowners association regarding our toilet-bowl planter. Rather, I mentioned the doll\u2019s leakage issues. My mate looked at me and said with conviction, \u201cWe can patch her.\u201d<\/p>\n

If anyone had entered our bathroom while Ellen and I were trying to force a blow-up dummy under the water in the tub to locate the leaks, they might have thought we were committing mannequin murder. <\/p>\n

It turned out the leak was unrepairable. <\/p>\n

I searched the plastic replica to see if there was a recycling designation number that would allow me to place dummy in curbside recycling. There was none. <\/p>\n

That being the case, I decided to store the doll in the garage and then secretly place her in my neighbor\u2019s trash after dark \u2014 in case the trash man could not keep a secret.<\/p>\n

To make a long story short, I forgot all about her and finally stumbled upon my old friend last week while cleaning out the garage. I was on a step ladder trying to pull some ski poles off a high shelf, and she slid with them and landed over my shoulder. I have to say, the past decade has been kinder to her face than it has been to mine. <\/p>\n

My mate was gone, so rather than revisit the scarecrow conversation, I quickly carried her to the trash bin I had just placed out on the street. I was in the process of stuffing the doll, feet first, in the bin when my neighbor drove by with his kids and gave me a double-take look.    <\/p>\n

So, I guess I won\u2019t expect an invitation to their Christmas party.<\/p>\n

Jeffrey Bergeron\u2019s column \u201cBiff America\u201d publishes Mondays in the Summit Daily News. Bergeron has worked in TV and radio for more than 30 years, and his column can be read in several newspapers and magazines. He is the author of \u201cMind, Body, Soul.\u201d Bergeron arrived in Breckenridge when there was plenty of parking and no stop lights. Contact him at <\/em>biffbreck@yahoo.com<\/a><\/em><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

via:: Summit Daily<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jeffrey Bergeron, Summit Daily NewsJeffrey Bergeron, Summit Daily News I could have bought the most expensive inflatable sex doll the store had to offer. After all, it was not my money. But being fiscally prudent, I took it upon myself to seek out the best bang for the buck and buy a cheaper model. And […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[99],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-802116","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-local-news"},"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-02 07:05:48","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSMT The Mountain","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/802116","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=802116"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/802116\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=802116"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=802116"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/ksmt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=802116"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}