{"id":2445683,"date":"2019-06-24T22:40:01","date_gmt":"2019-06-25T04:40:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/news\/she-said-he-said-if-chemistry-is-missing-say-something-dont-leave-them-alone-in-the-relationship-lab\/"},"modified":"2019-06-24T22:40:01","modified_gmt":"2019-06-25T04:40:01","slug":"she-said-he-said-if-chemistry-is-missing-say-something-dont-leave-them-alone-in-the-relationship-lab","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/she-said-he-said-if-chemistry-is-missing-say-something-dont-leave-them-alone-in-the-relationship-lab\/","title":{"rendered":"She Said, He Said: If chemistry is missing, say something, don\u2019t leave them alone in the relationship lab"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Jeff and Lori,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been dating a woman for a few months. We met at work and had just been friends for a while before we started dating. I wasn\u2019t that attracted to her physically, but she continued to push for more. As time went on, I began to enjoy her company, and it evolved into a relationship. I\u2019m struggling because at this point, I still don\u2019t feel a real spark, and I find myself attracted to other women. I don\u2019t want to hurt her, but am certain there\u2019s not a long-term future for us. Should I just tell her I\u2019m not ready for a serious relationship?<\/p>\n

Signed,<\/p>\n

Looking for the Right Words<\/p>\n

Dear LFTRW,<\/span><\/p>\n

Jeff: We\u2019ve all heard it before \u2014 the \u201cIt\u2019s Not You, It\u2019s Me\u201d line. It was introduced to pop culture in a \u201cSeinfeld\u201d episode when the woman George was dating ends their relationship.<\/p>\n

Woman: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, George.\u201d<\/p>\n

George: \u201cI don\u2019t understand, things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Woman: \u201cIt\u2019s not you, it\u2019s me.\u201d<\/p>\n

George: \u201cYou\u2019re giving me the \u2018It\u2019s not you, it\u2019s me\u2019 routine? I invented \u2018It\u2019s not you, it\u2019s me.\u2019 Nobody tells me it\u2019s them, not me. If it\u2019s anybody, it\u2019s me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Woman: \u201cAll right. George, it\u2019s you.\u201d<\/p>\n

George: \u201cYou\u2019re damn right it\u2019s me.\u201d<\/p>\n

It sounds like if you were more attracted to this woman, you might be willing to stick around a bit longer to see if the relationship might work. But if it\u2019s really true that the main reason you\u2019re planning to bail is that you\u2019re not ready for a serious relationship then let her know. However, if it\u2019s just because you\u2019re not attracted to her and you don\u2019t want to hurt her feelings, then using the \u201cIt\u2019s me, not you\u201d line is a major cop out. You need to be honest and take responsibility for what you\u2019ve started \u2014 even if it\u2019s difficult for her to hear.<\/p>\n

Also, be clear with yourself that you\u2019re not going to try to get back together with her in a few weeks because you\u2019re lonely or haven\u2019t met anyone else yet. Don\u2019t keep her on the hook for a rainy day or to boost your ego.<\/p>\n

Lori: If only chemistry were simple. It can be maddening when a person checks all the right boxes on paper but the sexual magnetism is MIA. Now, ladies, don\u2019t be so quick to jump to conclusions; this isn\u2019t necessarily about looks and body type. Psychologists and endocrinologists (hormone specialists) have been studying the effect of smell on sexual attraction since at least the 1970s. We\u2019re not talking perfume or patchouli preferences, but pheromones. These hormone-like signals that we send into the world around us have a lot to do with who we attract and who we feel chemistry with. At the most basic level, pheromones are like fingerprints for our immune system. And when it comes to sex, our bodies want to mate with someone who will complement what we have in order to produce the healthiest babies. I know, it\u2019s not really all that sexy. But it does make it easier to understand that sometimes it\u2019s really not about them or you.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff: Tell her what you appreciate about her (honestly) and that you don\u2019t feel chemistry. Be clear that you\u2019re only available to her as a friend, and let her decide whether that\u2019s a relationship she wants.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com<\/a> and your query may be selected for a future column.<\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Jeff and Lori, I\u2019ve been dating a woman for a few months. We met at work and had just been friends for a while before we started dating. I wasn\u2019t that attracted to her physically, but she continued to push for more. As time went on, I began to enjoy her company, and it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-2445683","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-local-news"},"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-06-20 06:57:29","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2445683","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2445683"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2445683\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2445683"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2445683"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2445683"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}