I had a small bottle of ground cumin, a quart and a pint of ice cream \u2014 different flavors of course \u2014 three boxes of breakfast cereal, a jar of raspberry jam and a half dozen plain bagels. And, no, these are not the ingredients for a five-minute dessert recipe I found in Readers Digest.<\/p>\n
I went for the spice my wife needed for dinner and came back with a few other things I thought maybe we needed so that the trip to the grocery store didn\u2019t feel like a first-world waste of gas solely for the indulgence into Betty Crocker\u2019s version of ethnic food.<\/p>\n
I drove to the local grocery store to save time and justified paying the convenience store, year-round tourist-season prices there by telling myself the shorter drive was better for the environment. Never mind my car\u2019s engine roaring up the hill to get there would burn more fuel than a marshmallow roasting on a Base Village fire pit, I\u2019d make up for it by putting it in neutral and coasting back home.<\/p>\n
The checker rang up my items. I always pay with a credit card up there because actually counting out the cash required to cover the tab takes a long time and adds to the mental pain of shopping locally and feeling like a sucker.<\/p>\n
The chip reader buzzed and I pulled my card out. The checker smiled and said \u201cthank you\u201d \u2026 and my groceries sat. I looked at him. He looked at me. I blinked first. I sighed and went to the end of the counter and started to open a bag to pack my groceries into. My mind flashed back to when I did this for a living at Tom\u2019s Market. Ah, the good old days. Would I really want to be 12 again?<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, ah, ah\u201d the checker sing-songed while windshield-wipering his finger at me. (He actually didn\u2019t say it like that or wag his finger, but I know he wanted to.) What he told me is that bags now cost 20 cents.<\/p>\n
It was an outrage! It is like paying an airline 50-bucks to check your luggage and then mid-flight telling you the tiny bag of miniature pretzels they are handing out will cost you a quarter. The nerve! Obviously a man of my stature does not care about 20 cents. I can pull that kind of money from the cushions of my sofa. It\u2019s the principle! Besides, I didn\u2019t have any cash with me.<\/p>\n
I thought about putting my credit card back in the reader and daring him to charge me for the bag, but there was a long line of customers waiting and I didn\u2019t want to prolong their pain in anticipating what their own bills would be, so I proudly said in my mind \u201cI don\u2019t need no stinking bags\u201d and hoped the checker could read my ugly countenance, if not my heart. I did suggest that it would be a good idea to inform future customers of the bag charge before the fat register sings, to which he smiled and shrugged his shoulders, so I don\u2019t think he got the message.<\/p>\n
Like a real life Tetris puzzle I precisely fitted the loose items in my arms crossed over my belly and then hunch-backed it out of the store and through the parking lot, stutter-stepping gingerly over the potholes as I felt the groceries slipping. I got to the car and realized I had locked it, something I normally don\u2019t do. My mind must have subconsciously known I was in a bad part of The Village.<\/p>\n
Whatever. The immediate problem was how to get the keys out of my pocket before I lost my grip and everything ended up underneath other people\u2019s cars. Anticipating that inevitability, I knelt down and let everything roll onto the pavement in a controlled sort of avalanche. I felt as stupid as the whole thing certainly appeared to anyone who might have been watching. Please don\u2019t Instagram it, unless you are a verified influencer and can use it to organize a peaceful rally against this injustice.<\/p>\n
Driving home it occurred to me, there actually is no bag tax in Snowmass Village! The store did this on their own! Good for the environment! And yet, the skeptical hitchhiker riding on my shoulder whispered in my ear, \u201cthis is only a way to ding their customers for a few more pennies. They\u2019re free-riding the green movement. They aren\u2019t donating the proceeds to worthy environmental causes or education. Wouldn\u2019t it seem more sincere if they gave a small discount to reward customers for bringing their own reusable bags, like they do at Whole Foods?\u201d<\/p>\n
The moral of the story? Don\u2019t pick up imaginary hitchhikers. They\u2019ll talk your ear off and only make you madder.<\/p>\n
Roger Marolt thinks people in the grocery business should understand that a carrot works better than sticking it to your customers. Email at roger@maroltllp.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n