{"id":2446641,"date":"2019-07-22T22:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-07-23T04:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/news\/what-to-understand-when-your-so-cheats\/"},"modified":"2019-07-22T22:00:00","modified_gmt":"2019-07-23T04:00:00","slug":"what-to-understand-when-your-so-cheats","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/what-to-understand-when-your-so-cheats\/","title":{"rendered":"What to understand when your SO cheats"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Lori and Jeff,<\/span><\/p>\n

My husband and I have been married for over 15 years and have three beautiful children. We\u2019ve had our ups and downs over the years but I honestly thought things were going well between us. About three months ago, I found out he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He says it\u2019s over now and was a huge mistake and that he still loves me and wants me to forgive him. I do still love him and want to make things work, but I still can\u2019t wrap my head around why he did what he did. Can you help me understand?<\/p>\n

Signed,<\/p>\n

Can\u2019t Move Forward<\/p>\n

Dear CMF,<\/span><\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff: Ultimately, people stray because they want to feel something different. The specific feelings they seek vary from one cheater to the next: appreciated, valued, seen, powerful, sexy, attractive, alive. But what they have in common is an inability or unwillingness to do the work to create the feelings they want. Instead, they take the shortcut and look to the outside world for a magic wand (or a scenario in which they can believe their wand is magic). And, with social media, texting and apps, external gratification has become more accessible \u2014 you can connect with a past lover, or the cute office newbie with a click or swipe and send salacious secrets while in the same room as your spouse.<\/p>\n

Jeff: There are theories that suggest we see ourselves as a reflection of how we think our partners see us. During the intoxicating honeymoon phase of a relationship \u2014 before we\u2019ve revealed any of our flaws or imperfections \u2014 we look into the mirror that is our lover\u2019s eyes, and we look pretty damn good. Over time, as we start to show more of our true selves, blemishes and all, we become more vulnerable to the realities of criticism and judgment and we often start to see a less flattering reflection.<\/p>\n

Along comes someone with a shiny new mirror, offering the opportunity to start the cycle all over again with a reflection that is more reminiscent of former confidence and self-assurance. Sometimes the promise of a mended ego makes such an offer difficult to resist.<\/p>\n

Lori: Sometimes hearing the \u201cwhy\u201d is as painful as the betrayal itself. In fact, sometimes it\u2019s so painful that partners who have been cheated on don\u2019t actually want to hear the truth at all. They want to hear the magical answer that will suddenly make them trust their partner again while simultaneously healing the emotional wounds that resulted from their partner choosing to indulge in someone else. Harsh? Maybe. But I\u2019d be accelerating your marriage down a course to catastrophe if I didn\u2019t help you reframe your question. Instead of \u201cWhy did HE do this?\u201d you need to ask, \u201cHow did WE get here?\u201d<\/p>\n

There are some affairs that happen to caring and emotionally engaged spouses; affairs in which the cheated-on partner had very little to do with the cheater\u2019s choice to stray. But for a significant number of couples, affairs are just the tip of the problems penetrating their marriages, including unmet needs, complacency and disconnect. This scenario is particularly plausible if you thought everything was going so well, that you\u2019re completely caught off guard by your husband straying. I\u2019m not implying that anyone can be responsible for a partner cheating \u2014 that\u2019s 100% the cheater\u2019s choice. But for any couple trying to move forward from an affair, both have to look at how they\u2019ve been showing up in the marriage. If you\u2019re willing to be honest with yourself, deep down you probably already have the answers you seek.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff: For many couples, an affair comes with agonizing grief and loss; loss of the marriage you had or at least thought you had. But for many adultery-marred marriages, the affair can shake a couple out of their ruts and create an opportunity to build a deeper, more fulfilling bond \u2014 if you\u2019re both willing to do the work.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com<\/a> and your query may be selected for a future column.<\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Lori and Jeff, My husband and I have been married for over 15 years and have three beautiful children. We\u2019ve had our ups and downs over the years but I honestly thought things were going well between us. About three months ago, I found out he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He says […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-2446641","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-local-news"},"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-06-21 19:21:15","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2446641","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2446641"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2446641\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2446641"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2446641"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2446641"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}