{"id":2448894,"date":"2019-09-19T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-09-19T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=313072"},"modified":"2019-09-19T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2019-09-19T06:00:00","slug":"lifestyles-of-the-rich-and-shamelessaspens-top-fake-realtors","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/lifestyles-of-the-rich-and-shamelessaspens-top-fake-realtors\/","title":{"rendered":"Lifestyles of the rich and shamelessAspen\u2019s top fake Realtors"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Angry couple rejecting offer and contract of real estate agent<\/strong>
Getty Images\/iStockphoto | iStockphoto<\/em><\/figcaption><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n

Do you know what Aspen\u2019s first profession was? Wrong. Librarian. Which was second? Realtor. He sold a house to the librarian and made her with child (not at the same time). They named that baby Hyman in commemoration of the avenue on which he was conceived, which is how we know it by that today. In honor of whomever that visionary was, this week Ben and Sean are in the right place at the right time trying to earn commission by pitching attractive properties in Aspen.<\/p>\n

Club Commons<\/p>\n

SB: Looking to live and work in Aspen \u2014 well technically Snowmass \u2014 this winter? Here at Aspen Skiing Co. we follow the ethos of \u201cInclusion, commit, togetherness, honor your corporate overlord.\u201d If you want to rekindle your hatred for dormitory housing, lack of privacy and life, come spend a season living with three strangers while working for slightly more than minimum wage.<\/p>\n

While we can\u2019t help you live here permanently, we can give you a taste of America before sending you back to whatever South American country you came from. It\u2019s not that we don\u2019t like a foreign workforce, we just don\u2019t want to hire you year-round because then we\u2019ll have to give you a raise on top of our generous starting pay. We don\u2019t even let our most tenured employees live at Club Commons permanently.<\/p>\n

Only a 15-minute walk to public transportation, getting to and from the grocery store, liquor store, dispensary, nightlife, anywhere with a pulse past 5 p.m. offers the opportunity to build up your tolerance to winter weather and improve your patience.<\/p>\n

To apply for Skico\u2019s temporary workforce and suboptimal housing, email exploytees@skico.com<\/a> today.<\/p>\n

Off-Downtown Condominium<\/p>\n

BW: Half Airstream, half fake Colorado mountain lodge, this pseudo-lavish, 2,200-square-feet condo includes built-in shelves and a fireplace (don\u2019t forget to open the flue). That figure is estimated; I just multiplied imaginary basketball hoops around the perimeter of the apartment. I sort of know how long that is because I used to be able to almost touch the rim.<\/p>\n

Pretty sure no ghosts live here but sometimes you\u2019ll find insects wandering around. I don\u2019t mind giving a spider a warm, enclosed home in a jar until it dies of natural causes (way longer than you\u2019d expect), but when it pisses and shits all over the floor, I find that really inconsiderate to its host.<\/p>\n

The decor is exactly what you thought you wanted when you graduated college and found your first apartment, except by the time you could afford such luxuries as a leather pull-out couch and laser-engraved Maroon Bells panoramic, it\u2019s no longer fashionable.<\/p>\n

The place is furnished, so you gotta store the old couch in your downvalley girlfriend\u2019s garage until it becomes infested with mice and you break up so her roommates have to drag it off to the ReStore (or whatever they did with it).<\/p>\n

Also you\u2019re free to keep my \u2026 I mean, uh \u2026 the mattress. Lots of people have said it\u2019s the comfiest thing they\u2019ve ever slept on. Yeah, well, try being on it for 15 years. Just order one of those beds you hear about on podcast advertisements and figure it out. #NotMyProblemAnymore<\/p>\n

Sorry I\u2019m so sweaty. How does $3,000 a month sound?<\/p>\n

Taj Ma-Aspen<\/p>\n

SB: In this extraordinary 17-bedroom, 19-bathroom Aspen home you will be able to buy solitude amid the madness of the Roaring Fork Valley. Sick of those annoying songbirds and that infuriating brook that refuses to stop babbling? Among the 10 outdoor sitting areas big enough to host three weddings simultaneously is the ability to stop\/divert the water \u2014 and don\u2019t worry about your water rights as the excess runoff will be used to waterboard your staff to make sure all NDAs are honored and all leftovers are being thrown out and not eaten.<\/p>\n

The grounds also are fitted with radar sensors designed to keep out hungry bears and nosy vagrants. And instead of alerting authorities, the new Bruin Ruin system vaporizers the culprit leaving no mess and no cleanup. This quaint home comes furnished with all-animal fixtures such as zebra-skin shower curtains, bear-bone bidets, rhino-horn railings among other endangerously decadent pieces.<\/p>\n

For the cost of an Infinity Stone, this home can be yours. Contact Thanos Realty to set up your walkthrough today.<\/p>\n

Burlingame Ranch Home<\/p>\n

BW: Welcome to the original suburbs of Aspen! We\u2019re only 15 years away from having our own city council. Chancellor Bates\u2019 plan for fortification will surely qualify this outpost as a \u201cgated community.\u201d<\/p>\n

His house is decorated for most of the year; it\u2019s kind of weird (I\u2019m so good at semicolons as well as \u2026 and ellipses \u2014 blame a weird childhood with a lot of grammatical exercises involving \u201cLittle House on the Prairie\u201d and \u201cClockwork Orange,\u201d for some reason).<\/p>\n

Did you see ol\u2019 Norm\u2019s Halloween exhibit last year? Really took \u201cMidnight Cowboy\u201d literally. I have a feeling he\u2019s never actually watched that movie.<\/p>\n

Like a Juul pod, these homes\u2019 colors come in every condiment flavor: mustard and ketchup, chipotle and mayo, ranch and areola.<\/p>\n

Every third weekend we have a block party where you can wonder, \u201cOh my God, when did all these kids move in?\u201d<\/p>\n

Dread running into your neighbors at the honeycomb-shaped mailbox during a random Wednesday off when you\u2019ve started drinking at 10 a.m. and get caught wearing swimming trunks and a ripped T-shirt that says \u201cOutcasts of Sobriety\u201d (OOS represent).<\/p>\n

Anyway, sometimes it\u2019s like the Hong Kong protests out there, so maybe board up your windows. $950,000<\/p>\n

Restaurant space<\/p>\n

SB: Beautiful 600-seat restaurant space featuring dry-aging room, sausage production area, sacrificial altar and seven deep-fat fryers available for rent. At $125,000 per month, this gorgeous, second-floor space is perfect for a high-end Italian bistro, high-end seafood, high-end alpine fare or a high-end French bistro.<\/p>\n

Serve vats of piping hot fondue for $625, use the sausage production room as a brothel, worship Satan in hopes that he frees you from this lease \u2014 we don\u2019t care. We ruined a promising local\u2019s retail career to build this dining hall thinking it would be filled by a celebrity chef before he got caught up in a #MeToo scandal and have been desperately seeking tenants ever since.<\/p>\n

We even tried selling bacon on a clothespin for $75 a slice. Nothing is working. These rich assholes keep going to Matsuhisa. Please, save us from our ill-advised development. (Just make sure you can pay rent.)<\/p>\n

sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a> bwelch@aspentimes.com<\/a><\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Angry couple rejecting offer and contract of real estate agentGetty Images\/iStockphoto | iStockphoto Do you know what Aspen\u2019s first profession was? Wrong. Librarian. Which was second? Realtor. He sold a house to the librarian and made her with child (not at the same time). They named that baby Hyman in commemoration of the avenue on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-2448894","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-local-news"},"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-06-26 23:42:27","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2448894","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2448894"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2448894\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2448894"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2448894"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2448894"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}