{"id":2449453,"date":"2019-10-03T05:43:00","date_gmt":"2019-10-03T11:43:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=313750"},"modified":"2019-10-03T05:43:00","modified_gmt":"2019-10-03T11:43:00","slug":"writing-switch-thoughts-from-a-rambo-marathon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/writing-switch-thoughts-from-a-rambo-marathon\/","title":{"rendered":"Writing Switch: Thoughts from a \u2018Rambo\u2019 marathon"},"content":{"rendered":"
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This image released by Lionsgate shows Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo in a scene from “Rambo: Last Blood.” (Yana Blajeva\/Lionsgate via AP)<\/strong>
AP | Lionsgate<\/em><\/figcaption><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n

The U.S. has never had a war hero like John M.F. Rambo. He\u2019s eliminated all of America\u2019s enemies \u2014 real or presumed by societal pressures of the day \u2014 from the Viet Cong and Taintwater cops to Russian mercenaries, sex traffickers and misconceptions about traveling to dangerous places trying to do good deeds. This week we tied on some headbands, quoted Col. Samuel Trautman at the office and ran shirtless through all five \u201cRambo\u201d movies from First to Last Blood, which coincidentally is also the title of the initiation pamphlet for a certain red-wearing street gang.<\/p>\n

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD<\/p>\n

Sean:<\/strong> The big reason \u201cRambo: First Blood\u201d works is because Stallone doesn\u2019t have a lot of lines. Brian Dennehy, the asshole sheriff who hates long hair and loitering, has more dialogue. The movie is pretty believable until Trautman comes in as Rambo\u2019s hype man\/handler.<\/p>\n

Side note:<\/strong> In an alternate ending Rambo commits suicide, which would have been way darker, left us without a column idea and about six less hours of great American cinema.<\/p>\n

Hair:<\/strong> Feathered and lethal.<\/p>\n

Best kill:<\/strong> Rambo only kills one guy* and Dennehy\u2019s bloodthirsty henchman (not a good look for police brutality in this movie) falls to his death.<\/p>\n

*He does kill a couple of dogs.<\/p>\n

Best Trautman line:<\/strong> \u201cGod didn\u2019t make Rambo, I made him. He was trained to eat things that would make a billy goat puke. To kill. Period.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben:<\/strong> My \u201cI would just let him go\u201d point: Learning he\u2019s a Green Beret who killed a helicopter with a rock and free solo\u2019d a Class Six, or however climbing is ranked.<\/p>\n

RAMBO II: ROCKET LAUNCHER MACHINE GUN<\/p>\n

Sean:<\/strong> Breaking a soldier \u2014 who\u2019s clearly suffering from PTSD, probably doing steroids and capable of snapping at any point \u2014 out of prison to conduct an illegal operation back where the trauma occurred is a bold move. What\u2019s bolder is walking up to him on the other side of the prison fence in full uniform and pitching. If you were to go about it, my guess is there would be a bunch of backroom handshakes and minimal meetings in broad daylight in the prison yard.<\/p>\n

Hair:<\/strong> Still feathered, still lethal.<\/p>\n

Best kill:<\/strong> The kill count increases as much as Rambo\u2019s pecs. He\u2019s considerably thiccer in \u201cFirst Blood: Part II\u201d and angrier. It\u2019s either blowing a guy up with a rocket launcher or covering himself in blood Predator style for the unsuspecting knife kill.<\/p>\n

Best Trautman line:<\/strong> \u201cWhat you choose to call hell he calls home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben:<\/strong> My \u201cI would just let him go\u201d point: He kills an entire boatload of people with a couple tiny knives alongside an attractive woman who clearly speaks perfect English but does so with an Asian accent and omits auxiliary verbs and articles because that\u2019s how they talk.<\/p>\n

RAMBO III: BLOOD, BLOOD EVERYWHERE<\/h4>\n

Ben:<\/strong> As in all movies, sports betting works by extending a fanned wad of bills while screaming and waving them at the competitors like it\u2019s a strip club.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Hey what\u2019s the dad from \u201cThat \u201970s Show\u201d doing here?<\/p>\n

\u25cf I\u2019m starting to think Trautman is a real piece of shit, demanding Rambo kill again as he breaks down in tears for the second time in the series. \u201cThat\u2019s too bad, because you\u2019re stuck with it!\u201d the colonel spits.<\/p>\n

\u25cf \u201cThis is the \u201980s, John Rambo, let technology do most of the work for you\u201d \u2014 as computer screens in the background show a green, rotating scanner like the Ghost Radar app.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Really weird close-up of Rambo\u2019s butt\/gooch while Trautman runs 30 yards ahead, not bothering to help his friend crawl out of a cathole and fight off a pursuer.<\/p>\n

\u25cf How is Rambo still a master of everything from surgery to flying helicopters to no-scoping even though he\u2019s been languishing in a monastery for three years? I stop playing \u201cRed Dead Redemption\u201d for eight months and I forget how to pet my horse.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Rambo gets dragged along a gravel road under a tank for hundreds of yards, but in the next scene the back of his shirt is only a little dirty. Cue patriotic music.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Aircraft full of missiles crashes, but wings mercifully fall off and bombs don\u2019t detonate. No ricochet when soldiers blindly fire their weapons in a cave.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Spoiler alert: In the DVD title screen, Rambo has a cold sore on his lip. But in the movie, Trautman has one while Rambo is herpes-free.<\/p>\n

Sean:<\/strong> So much to digest. Is Rambo fighting the Russians with the Taliban? Why is he stick-fighting for charity? Where is he getting all these bows and explosive arrows? What are the rules of Buzkashi? I never thought I needed to see Rambo riding a horse but I\u2019m glad it happened (also, foreshadowing?). The convoluted storyline features Rambo befriending a child soldier, swimming through feces and taking down several helicopters.<\/p>\n

Hair:<\/strong> Looks good but seemed to get wet with nightfall.<\/p>\n

Best kill:<\/strong> Rambo pulls a pin out of a grenade on the main thug\u2019s jacket and karate kicks him, forcing him to fall down a hole to a cave where he snaps his neck because earlier Rambo wrapped a rope around it and then blows up due to the grenade.<\/p>\n

Best Trautman line:<\/strong> Main Russian bad guy: \u201cWho is this man? God?\u201d Trautman: \u201cNo, God would have mercy. He won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bonus line:<\/strong> Trautman after Rambo has a brush with a fiery eplosion: \u201cHow you doing, Rambo?\u201d Rambo: \u201cWell done.\u201d<\/p>\n

RAMBO IV: SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAST ONE BUT WE DIDN\u2019T KNOW STALLONE WOULD LIVE SO LONG<\/p>\n

Ben:<\/strong> I hear the same children laughing sound clip that Rare used in the title screen for \u201cDiddy Kong Racing.\u201d It\u2019s the new Wilhelm scream.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Credit to wise, old John Rambo and Rocky Balboa for coming up with the greatest quotes of their franchises in the fourth installment \u2014 we have \u201cLive for nothing or die for something\u201d and \u201cIt\u2019s not about how hard you can hit. It\u2019s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward,\u201d respectively. I\u2019ve noticed they\u2019ve become essentially the same person.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Action shots are now Rambo just hurdling fallen logs and he keeps his clothes on this time. After a lifetime of silicon and HGH, he must have some disturbing man boobs.<\/p>\n

\u25cf I really want to pluck the bad guy\u2019s mole hair but that might go against cultural appropriations.<\/p>\n

\u25cf STANDARD-ISSUE CLAYMORE WITH NUCLEAR POWER!<\/p>\n

\u25cf Cue patriotic music. I can\u2019t tell if it\u2019s the same song as the last movie but I think so.<\/p>\n

\u25cf And we thought it was gross when the police officer in the first movie fell out of the chopper and got a little ketchup on his face. The reviews for \u201cLast Blood\u201d say too much gore, while this shit is straight CGI disgusting and over a decade old. I\u2019m bringing a barf bag to the theater for the fifth edition.<\/p>\n

Sean:<\/strong> As special effects improve, so does the gore. They really jump the human flesh-eating pig in this one. I\u2019m not sure why Rambo thought retiring to genocidal Southeast Asia was going to be relaxing but it is not. There are pirates and homicidal armies. Soldiers are literally betting on which prisoner will get blown up during a footrace through mine-infested rice fields. This time Rambo is the old vet because the actor who played Trautman died or because the fictional Trautman is serving time for war crimes. Anyway, yada yada yada, Rambo saves a bunch of missionaries with the help of mercenaries but not before he crafts a machete perfect for decapitation.<\/p>\n

Hair:<\/strong> It\u2019s a little flat. No real bounce. Looks good wet but the award for unintentional comedy is the closing scene, an ode to the end of First Blood walking down the highway but with a brutally bad wig or extensions.<\/p>\n

Best kill:<\/strong> Rambo goes full Dalton from \u201cRoad House\u201d and rips a rapist\u2019s throat out.<\/p>\n

RAMBO V: IT ENDS WITH HIM BLEEDING OUT<\/p>\n

Ben:<\/strong> \u201cRemember how my uncle stared at you and creeped you out last time you came over? Yeah he wants you to come back and have an underage drinking party in the maze of flashback tunnels he dug over the past 11 years! There\u2019s cellphone service!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u25cf Rambo was a cultural icon before I was even born. How have these hoodlums never seen his movies? If I capture a bloodthirsty, legendary warrior snooping around the sex and drugs complex, my thinking process won\u2019t include \u201cYeah, I\u2019m gonna keep you alive. But let this spankin\u2019 be a warnin\u2019 to ya!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u25cf \u201cWhy not me?\u201d he ironically moans when a loved one dies. I was wondering this myself as he managed to dodge (almost) every bullet at a rate that vastly outweighs statistics over the course of many certain-death campaigns.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Heavily armed cartel in Escalades traveling across the border. Good thing they brought their passports.<\/p>\n

Best quote: \u201cNothing is ever done.\u201d We were both clamoring for a \u201cNOTHING IS OVER!\u201d callback but got blueballed.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Nice to see a sensitive side to John Rambo touching the heart of others. Cue patriotic music. Definitely the same track.<\/p>\n

Sean:<\/strong> I\u2019m pretty sure Stallone took all his \u201cExpendables\u201d checks and ran straight to the worst plastic surgeon he could find. This really should have been more \u201cGran Torino\u201d than \u201cExpendables\u201d mixed with failed \u201cTaken.\u201d The only thing this plot has to do with past Rambos is horse riding. Rambo can take on entire armies, pirates, Brian Dennehy but a Mexican cartel is too much \u2014 or is it?<\/p>\n

Hair:<\/strong> Sad day for the fans of luscious locks. It\u2019s mostly chopped off with nothing but poorly colored gray hair.<\/p>\n

Best kill:<\/strong> Don\u2019t want to give too much away because I don\u2019t want to spoil it when you inevitably watch it on Netflix in February, but \u201cTemple of Doom\u201d anyone?<\/p>\n

We also liked the instrumental evolution of the \u201cIt\u2019s a Long Road\u201d theme song.<\/p>\n

sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a> | bwelch@aspentimes.com<\/a><\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This image released by Lionsgate shows Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo in a scene from “Rambo: Last Blood.” (Yana Blajeva\/Lionsgate via AP)AP | Lionsgate The U.S. has never had a war hero like John M.F. Rambo. He\u2019s eliminated all of America\u2019s enemies \u2014 real or presumed by societal pressures of the day \u2014 from the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-2449453","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-local-news"},"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-06-27 17:05:08","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2449453","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2449453"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2449453\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2449453"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2449453"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2449453"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}