{"id":2449650,"date":"2019-10-08T21:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-10-09T03:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=314027"},"modified":"2019-10-08T21:00:00","modified_gmt":"2019-10-09T03:00:00","slug":"sean-beckwith-fast-food-fantasy-island","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/sean-beckwith-fast-food-fantasy-island\/","title":{"rendered":"Sean Beckwith: Fast Food Fantasy Island"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Welcome to Fast Food Fantasy Island, a competition to find the best fit for a quick bite in Aspen. With the closing of Taster\u2019s and pending end of Domino\u2019s, there will be no large-scale chains in town or cheap order-out pizza, thus forcing locals to drive downvalley for their greasy pleasures.<\/p>\n

Although the city of Aspen is allergic to Dollar Menus and other pillars of hangover cures \u2014 convincing City Council that fast food won\u2019t corrupt the youth\/ruin Aspen\u2019s small town appeal is like trying to tell them that more bike lanes won\u2019t get people out of their cars \u2014 it\u2019s more likely that an Arby\u2019s will pop up than an affordable dive bar. Investing in anything but a minimum $75 prix-fixe restaurant is a not-so-secret sauce recipe for turnover. The only option left for affordability is a deal with the McDevil, the Angel of Deepdish, the Cheesy Gordita Demon, Satanic Spicy Chicken or the Cold Cut Killer.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s right, Aspen, you\u2019ve finally broke me. Angry food guy is now turning to the dark meat side. I\u2019m now lobbying for the food equivalent of Big Pharma. (It\u2019s proven science that introducing a person to Oxycontin is the same as introducing someone to Chick-Fil-A.)<\/p>\n

OK, let\u2019s meet the contestants: Ba-da-ba-ba-bah, I have heart disease (McDonald\u2019s); Pizza Smut (Pizza Hut); Anti-gay, Closed on Sunday Chicken (Chick-Fil-A); Barely Beef Tacos (Taco Bell) and Shoot-First Safari Sandwiches (Jimmy John\u2019s).<\/p>\n

Ba-da-ba-ba-bah, I have heart disease<\/p>\n

This is the most realistic candidate because they actually had a location in town for years. It was the low key Paradise Bakery closing of 2016. There\u2019s nothing like grabbing a big bag of double cheeseburgers and fries before heading into work to prolong the copy desk on Sundays.<\/p>\n

Pretty sure the collective X Games audience had a vigil when they heard that WacArnold\u2019s closed. Personally, I prefer rodeo cheeseburgers from Burger King but after a few rough nights purging BBQ sauce and onion rings, it\u2019s probably better McDonald\u2019s comes because I rarely went there anyway.<\/p>\n

Pizza Smut<\/p>\n

The reason why I\u2019m pro Pizza Hut is because I worked at Domino\u2019s in college and if your best pizzas aren\u2019t classics like pepperoni but rather specialty pizzas with white sauce or slices of American cheese instead of sauce, then you don\u2019t make good pizza. Their original crust has the texture of wet cardboard and presumably tastes like it, too. Also, I\u2019d just rather not know the intricacies of the butter paste that\u2019s going on the garlic bread.<\/p>\n

Yes, I feel depressed and gross after a grease-filled delivery of pan pizzas and cheese sticks but that\u2019s how you\u2019re supposed to feel when you shut yourself in your house and have someone deliver food to your couch.<\/p>\n

Anti-gay, Closed on Sunday Chicken<\/p>\n

There\u2019s only one other place I would abuse more than if a Chick-Fil-A came to town. Also, I have to mention they\u2019re closed Sundays, which is a big downside for the hungover crowd, because they\u2019re religious fanatics, which is a big downside for the LGBTQ crowd who likes chicken sandwiches but doesn\u2019t like contributing money to bigots.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s also the airport factor to take into account. What\u2019s the airport factor, you ask? Well there\u2019s usually only one Chick-Fil-A per airport terminal and its line never fails to be the longest. I waited 30 to 40 minutes in the Charlotte airport once just for a chicken sandwich and waffle fries. How does that apply to Aspen? Well, like Aspen, everything is crazy expensive at the airport so people flock to the best option as far as value (cost value, not ethical values). So if Aspen got a Chick-Fil-A, I can only assume the lunch line would have similar wait times as the Entrance to Aspen during peak seasons because normal people don\u2019t do sit-down Champagne and caviar lunches.<\/p>\n

Barely Beef Tacos<\/p>\n

Me staring down the discount meat section or a quick trip to Taco Bell would be dangerous. I would just have to face the reality that my digestive system would be messed up indefinitely. A couple crunchy tacos, a chicken quesadilla, fire sauce and a small Mountain Dew that is still 32 ounces. That\u2019s not even a sentence; it\u2019s my Taco Bell order.<\/p>\n

However, I don\u2019t think a Taco Bell would go over well with current \u201cMexican\u201d restaurants because it would instantly become the best Mexican-related food in town.<\/p>\n

Shoot-First Safari Sandwiches<\/p>\n

Unfortunately I worked for both Subway and Jimmy John\u2019s in college so I couldn\u2019t pick according to my bias and had to do a normal evaluation. Also, Jimmy John\u2019s would clean up in Aspen. Imagine Grateful Deli but with shorter wait times and deliveries until 2 a.m.<\/p>\n

Sign me up for that today. They\u2019re not even that good of sandwiches; they\u2019re just cheap and fast. Also, the smell of their bread doesn\u2019t give me flashbacks to mayonnaise-covered lunch rushes. When other races make fun of white people for excessive use of mayo, I can attest that it\u2019s not a stereotype. Try something else, please. Maybe mustard or oil and vinegar? Not ranch, though, that\u2019s just mayonnaise\u2019s seductive cousin (also, white people, don\u2019t sleep with your cousins).<\/p>\n

So which outlet gets the rose and a sit-down with Chris Harrison? Unfortunately, I\u2019ve taken all these establishments to the fantasy suite. The only real winner would be job stability for heart doctors. But if I had to choose, packet of fire sauce held to my eye, it would be Taco Bell. It was always Taco Bell. Viva la indigestio\u00f1.<\/p>\n

Sean Beckwith is a copy editor at The Aspen Times. Reach him at sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Welcome to Fast Food Fantasy Island, a competition to find the best fit for a quick bite in Aspen. With the closing of Taster\u2019s and pending end of Domino\u2019s, there will be no large-scale chains in town or cheap order-out pizza, thus forcing locals to drive downvalley for their greasy pleasures. Although the city of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-2449650","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-local-news"},"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-06-28 00:19:34","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2449650","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2449650"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2449650\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2449650"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2449650"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2449650"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}