{"id":2449970,"date":"2019-10-17T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-10-17T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=314505"},"modified":"2019-10-17T07:00:00","modified_gmt":"2019-10-17T13:00:00","slug":"writing-switch-conspiracy-therapists-soothing-the-minds-of-aspens-most-frazzled-residents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/writing-switch-conspiracy-therapists-soothing-the-minds-of-aspens-most-frazzled-residents\/","title":{"rendered":"Writing Switch: Conspiracy therapists \u2014 Soothing the minds of Aspen\u2019s most frazzled residents"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Crazy woman wearing a metal colander for a helmet<\/strong>
Getty Images\/iStockphoto | iStockphoto<\/em><\/figcaption><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n

Convinced that there were ulterior forces behind getting snubbed for best columnist in The Aspen Times\u2019 Best Of contest, we set out to explore what other conspiracies are lurking underneath Aspen\u2019s botoxed surface.<\/p>\n

We looked at campaign fundraisers because our commander-in-chief is essentially Francis Underwood with a learning disability and incapable of winning the presidency without an exceptional amount of help. We explored tips from a local practitioner who\u2019s convinced the utility industry is giving us cancer and autism. Even the realm of Google reviews gets a glance. No conspiracy was too big or too small to deeply dive into.<\/p>\n

So put on you tinfoil hats, smoke your most paranoia-inducing indica and join as we wade into the expanse of Aspen conspiracies.<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

CONSPIRACY: 5G WIRELESS<\/p>\n

Ben:<\/strong> I don\u2019t care either way if we put fluoride in the water. It\u2019s only supposed to keep your molars strong, or something? Sure.<\/p>\n

But to deny me \u2014 nay, the universe \u2014 space rocket internet speeds, which will surely include 3D memes and gifs, all in the name of some pseudo-science is exceptionally cruel. If we need to make some sacrifices to perfect the self-driving car so that I can just chill and stream movies during rides, I\u2019ll be the first to lay down at the altar.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t give a shit if me and all my friends get cancer when we\u2019re in our 70s. I\u2019ll just chill and stream movies until I\u2019m cured super quick, since Greta Thunberg will have figured it out by then. I\u2019ll risk my life on the medical advances of the future, or assume some inedible catastrophe will wipe us out by then anyway. I\u2019m a big fan of allocating resources for today at the expense of a tomorrow we might never see.<\/p>\n

The biggest problem with this conspiracy is HOW BORING IT IS. Gigahertz and metawatts and non-iodizing radiation? What? I\u2019m not going to \u201clook up\u201d your preposterous claim that 8,000 studies have been done on oxidative stress to cells, Edward you NERD, I\u2019m too busy chilling and streaming movies. People must get off on this because they think they sound intelligent when in reality they sound like babbling town drunk Ralph in \u201cFriday the 13th.\u201d Although \u2026 Ralph was right all along, so, there\u2019s that.<\/p>\n

Waiting until the \u201cscience is settled\u201d in an international race for world-changing technology is foolish because nobody really cares. Hell, the jury\u2019s still out on vaccines, chiropractors and breast feeding, and we\u2019ve been doing those things for over 100 years. To risk it is to #capitalism.<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

Conspiracy: What\u2019s in the water?<\/p>\n

Sean:<\/strong> People insist tainted tap water is a product of the government. Fluoride is simply a McGuffin \u2014 this big, shiny trigger word used to deflect your attention from the truth. No, the real culprit at work here is Aspen Skiing Co. Instead of pumping Scarecrow\u2019s Fear Toxin into the water supply with Liam Neeson and the rest of the League, Skico is selectively slipping us anti-depressants and muscle relaxers so as to keep its workforce docile and its guests sedated.<\/p>\n

A well-timed dose of happy juice may not work perfectly for everyone \u2014 what do you think causes \u201caltitude sickness\u201d? \u2014 but it has a manageable success rate. When X Games rolls into town, there\u2019s enough Soma in the water to make even the most molly-ed up bro seem like Eeyore. There\u2019s no other explanation for rich people being so agreeable without their help.<\/p>\n

And you think those snow guns are just blowing man-made snow? Nah, deep state Skico is putting a chemical in the solution that is making elk impotent in order decrease wildlife and expand ski terrain. Lynx aren\u2019t introverted animals; they\u2019re just dying. Remember in \u201cSuccession\u201d when they ate that songbird? Yeah, Lynx is the main delicacy of the Crowns\u2019 Fourth of July party at the Sundeck.<\/p>\n

In this Brave New World of Ikon Passes, overworked employees and constant expansion, keeping people\u2019s teeth clean via fluoride in the pipelines is a cavity compared to the root canal we\u2019re unknowingly being subjected to right now. I\u2019ve been drinking \u2014 and showering with \u2014 bottled water for years now.<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

CONSPIRACY: SPAMMING REVIEWS<\/p>\n

Ben:<\/strong> Almost eight years ago the weed came, and since then the industry has tried its darnedest to make buying the marijuanas just like walking into Cheers, where everybody knows your name. Also something about a cat hanging by its tail, IDK. What was wrong with whoever wrote that theme song? Music in the \u201980s truly was a dark period, which is why I\u2019m sick of the overabundance of \u201980s-themed parties found around Aspen during ski season. Your internet discount costume store onesie sucks; a real expert can tell that mullet\u2019s a wig from a kilometer away or however far 20 feet is in European.<\/p>\n

Anyway, when a certain pot shop showed success in back-to-back years in our contest for favorite dispensary, I was skeptical.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know anyone who goes there,\u201d Sean said. Me neither, I thought, even though I only know seven people. Well, with 100% of pollsters feeling suspicious, I decided to investigate into any alleged nefarious rigging by the establishment.<\/p>\n

This place had a lot of Google reviews, like, more than other dispensaries, and they all followed a similar formula. Five stars was the average, mean and modicum, which statistically seemed unlikely. I stalked \u2014 I mean, looked up \u2014 random submitters and many had either one total review or were dating employees (all right, I guess that\u2019s not too weird now that I had time to sit on it). People gushed about the budtenders by name and how \u201cknowledgeable\u201d (that word never looks spelled right) they were.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when it hit me, like a waft of Hold Me Closer Tiny Ganja in the alley behind the Wheeler: The conspiracy might be that I\u2019m just an imbecile. Or is that canon? Are you supposed to actually ask questions about the product? But I hate it when people do that, and I always get stuck behind tourists asking what is a CBD when I CAN SERIOUSLY PICK AN EIGHTH AND BE OUT OF THE STORE IN UNDER 90 SECONDS JUST PLEASE WILL YOU SERVE ME REAL QUICK? Maybe I\u2019ll stop buying baggie ditchweed and binge-watching junk reality TV if I learn what I\u2019m supposed to be sniffing for.<\/p>\n

Well, I think we debunked this one.<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

Conspiracy: Campaign Fraud-raisers<\/p>\n

Sean:<\/strong> Everyone knows elites love Aspen but it\u2019s not for the weather or the mountains. I\u2019m not saying Aspen is the Illuminati\u2019s Eagle\u2019s Nest, but I\u2019m not not saying that either. All of these CEOs, government officials and dignitaries don\u2019t actually want to ski or raft or bike.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re constantly meeting in Ernst Stavro Blofeld-style hideouts dug deeply into the mountain. There was never any silver in the mines. It was a ruse to divert attention away from the construction of bases used to extract intelligence and plan economic\/environmental crises.<\/p>\n

When Mike Pence flew in earlier this year, forcing Aspen taxpayers to foot the bill for his security detail, we weren\u2019t funding the GOP; we were funding the Illuminati. Donald Trump is just a pawn used by the lizard people to further the deterioration of the planet into a climate more suitable for reptiles.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s right, climate change is a product of the Illuminati, and we\u2019re funding it. The Ideas Fest and other summits designed to solve the issues of today are just giving the lizard people our blueprints to save the planet and solve homelessness.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s pretty easy to counteract a plan if you know what\u2019s coming. All praise be to the Eye of Providence, Baphomet or whoever\/whatever it is they worship.<\/p>\n

Do you know who killed JFK? Ben Welch does. sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a> bwelch@aspentimes.com<\/a><\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Crazy woman wearing a metal colander for a helmetGetty Images\/iStockphoto | iStockphoto Convinced that there were ulterior forces behind getting snubbed for best columnist in The Aspen Times\u2019 Best Of contest, we set out to explore what other conspiracies are lurking underneath Aspen\u2019s botoxed surface. We looked at campaign fundraisers because our commander-in-chief is essentially […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2449970","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-19 13:58:08","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2449970","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2449970"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2449970\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2449970"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2449970"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2449970"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}