{"id":2452149,"date":"2019-12-12T08:38:00","date_gmt":"2019-12-12T15:38:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=317495"},"modified":"2019-12-12T08:38:00","modified_gmt":"2019-12-12T15:38:00","slug":"writing-switch-no-laws-when-youre-writing-claus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/writing-switch-no-laws-when-youre-writing-claus\/","title":{"rendered":"Writing Switch: No laws when you\u2019re writing Claus"},"content":{"rendered":"
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BW:<\/strong> I always feel strange when people buy me birthday or Christmas presents, because now I\u2019m obligated to reciprocate when I can barely remember your last name, let alone what time you were born. In the heyday of social media, staring at the Facebook notifications as the dozens of happy birthday notes poured in was the ego boost of the year. Now I seethe when people try to wring it out with those stupid donation requests or \u201cthanks for the birthday wishes!\u201d posts. Leave me alone.<\/p>\n

Sean and I don\u2019t exchange gifts because we\u2019re grown-up men. If I want something, I just buy it. How hard is it to declare bankruptcy, anyway? Practically free money.<\/p>\n

And if we did get shit for each other, it would look like the scene in \u201cDonnie Brasco\u201d where Al Pacino and Johnny Depp trade envelopes with equal amounts of cash, except we would do it with bottles of Michter\u2019s.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve noticed chicks get presents for their friends a lot. I think that would be really hard to do when your budget is however many cashback points you\u2019ve accumulated on your Amazon card and items that can be sent with two-day shipping on Dec. 22. As you can probably surmise, my deadline for this was yesterday.<\/p>\n

Anticipating that annual rare and high-dollar gift our rich parents, I mean Santa*, can bring us, this week we forgo wasting a forever stamp and make our pleas to jolly St. Nick in this space.<\/p>\n

SB:<\/strong> Dear Santa,<\/span><\/p>\n

Hi Mr. Kringle, let me remember if I know how to do this. I know I haven\u2019t written in a long time. Is this the part of the evaluation where you ask me how I think I performed this year even though you know the answer? Between the options strongly agree, agree, neutral, disagree and strongly disagree, I\u2019m taking agree to \u201cHave I been nice?\u201d and neutral to \u201cHave I been naughty?\u201d (Kids, the key is to avoid incriminating yourself.)<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not going to sit here and take your lie-detector test. All I want is something between coal and a new snowboard. (Bindings would be ideal, big guy.) However, in the off chance that your elves were doing whatever other creepy shit elves do when they\u2019re not spying on children, here\u2019s a more comprehensive list of potential presents:<\/p>\n

1. I would like Ben to come up with better column ideas than \u201cRoaring Fork Gift Swap\u201d and, when pressed for an example, a better response than scrolling through Roaring Fork Swap naming items people are trying to get rid of.<\/p>\n

2. A web shooter. Not the silly string ones that you give to kids. I want the one with the electric webs, web bombs, web bullets, impact web, etc. I can handle it; I\u2019m an adult now, I use semicolons semi correctly. (I also would take one with silly string.)<\/p>\n

3. How are you with credit card debt? I\u2019m asking for my friend \u2026 Shane \u2026 Beckwitz. You don\u2019t have to pay off the whole thing, just half.<\/p>\n

4. If paying down Sea, err, Shane\u2019s Discover tab isn\u2019t doable, I would like the \u201cGoldeneye\u201d tech weapon. I\u2019m not trying to create an electronic-less new world order or avenge a Cossack grudge. I merely want to erase a couple financial records and call it good. I\u2019ll destroy it after my objective is complete like Batman did with the cellphone radar.<\/p>\n

5. I would like some new socks and boxers. As I said earlier, I\u2019m an adult now and I see the small luxury that is fresh boxers and warm socks after my old ones disintegrated. There will be no follow-up questions to that statement.<\/p>\n

6. Lastly, how about a plane ticket to Chamonix? If you get me there, I can handle the rest. (Shout out Discover Card.)<\/p>\n

I would\u2019ve asked for peace on Earth but everybody asks for that. And I bet that\u2019s especially true heading into an election year. I hope the reindeer are doing well and the elves are reviewing privacy law. I\u2019ll leave out some mint-cream Oreos because I don\u2019t bake and mint is Christmas-themed, right? I\u2019m leaving the milk in the fridge, though, because only perverts and babies like warm milk. Best of luck on your big night.<\/p>\n

Sean Beckwith<\/p>\n

Aspen, Colorado<\/p>\n

BW:<\/strong> Dear Santa,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry we haven\u2019t talked in 20 years. Soon after the last time I wrote, my mom lied and said you weren\u2019t real. I was eating a plum. I cried that August day \u2014 for the first and last time in my life.<\/p>\n

How\u2019s the missus? Still a smokeshow? You\u2019re a lucky man when you\u2019re not, you know, peeping on sleeping kids. I had so many existential questions when I learned you were friends with Jesus, but also not Jesus, in Sunday school. You mind explaining that one to me? Where do you belong in the Father-Son-Holy Ghost thing? Theology is wild, man. No wonder we have two popes.<\/p>\n

I feel weird and a little emasculated saying I\u2019ve been a good boy this year, because it sounds like I\u2019m either a dog or a dominatrix slave, and I\u2019m really not into either. But hey, the only crimes I committed in 2019 would be classified as \u201cpetty\u201d at best. Also I still haven\u2019t puked in any Silver Queen Gondola buckets.<\/p>\n

To begin, I would like a Baby Yoda. This is the cutest thing since the mall stampedes over Tickle Me Elmo, which mean advance copies sell for a fortune on eBay. An origins story on Yoda or Obi-Wan \u201cBen\u201d Kenobi is the last hope I cling to for the \u201cStar Wars\u201d franchise, and it\u2019s really a shame they blew it as a sidequest for Mando the Mandalorian. Can you imagine a kid so spoiled, screaming so loudly for a Muppet that its parents would do aNyThInG to find that toy? Um, sir, this is the Miner\u2019s Building.<\/p>\n

Do you ever feel complicit in the act of parental units manipulating their children to behave under the guise of withheld presents? I know it\u2019s not your fault, but come on, how many kids actually get lumps of coal? The EPA has that so regulated not even Santa M.F. Claus can get it through customs.<\/p>\n

Sorry my handwriting is so sloppy, I\u2019m kind of durnk.<\/p>\n

How about you just send me pants that actually fit? I can never buy clothes online that are the right size because I\u2019ve been too terrified to step on a scale in three years. And we don\u2019t have a Marshall\u2019s with a fitting room in Aspen. I\u2019d send you my waist size but my carpenter-grade tape measure doesn\u2019t have that kind of flexibility.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been surfing through Roaring Fork Swap for some oddities you could load up on that sleigh since I don\u2019t have a car. Please consider the \u201cdopey dope stoner\u201d palm tree ski coat, an 8\u00d78 garage door with all the fixins, and a \u201cgently used\u201d mattress, whatever that means. Only vanilla positions? Afterward we can have a bonfire and alight my old bed in the street, maybe spitroast some Vixen or whatever you named that thing.<\/p>\n

Anyhoo, hope you\u2019re gucci. I\u2019ve opened the flue so you shouldn\u2019t have any trouble shimmying down my fireplace. I\u2019ve hid one pot cookie in with the rest on the plate, good luck. I don\u2019t have any milk but help yourself to a Svedka-diet or Modelo in my fridge. Please try to keep it down.<\/p>\n

Love you,<\/p>\n

Ben<\/p>\n

*We\u2019re pretty sure this column is not being read by children. Or by anyone, for that matter. sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a> bwelch@aspentimes.com<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

BW: I always feel strange when people buy me birthday or Christmas presents, because now I\u2019m obligated to reciprocate when I can barely remember your last name, let alone what time you were born. In the heyday of social media, staring at the Facebook notifications as the dozens of happy birthday notes poured in was […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2452149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-19 02:34:29","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2452149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2452149"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2452149\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2452149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2452149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2452149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}