{"id":2454671,"date":"2020-02-18T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-02-18T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=321071"},"modified":"2020-02-18T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2020-02-18T07:00:00","slug":"she-said-he-said-if-you-clash-that-much-maybe-you-should-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/she-said-he-said-if-you-clash-that-much-maybe-you-should-go\/","title":{"rendered":"She Said, He Said: If you clash that much, maybe you should go"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Jeff and Lori, <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m in my late 20s and have been with my partner for four years. Twice in the past year we\u2019ve broken up and gotten back together. Each time we decide to try again, it\u2019s good for a few months, then one or both of us starts to question if this is really it. On paper, we seem like we\u2019d be perfect together: we have similar interests, values, lifestyles and goals. We don\u2019t have any big issues, but we seem to bicker all the time about the small stuff. I\u2019m at a place in my life of being ready to get married, and I can\u2019t do this back and forth with him anymore. I need to make a decision to go all in or get out for good. Can you help me figure out how to choose?<\/p>\n

Signed,<\/p>\n

Should I Stay?<\/p>\n

Dear SIS,<\/span><\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff: The British punk rock band and apparent relationship experts The Clash hypothesized about your predicament when they declared \u201cIf I go, there will be trouble and if I stay it will be double.\u201d Partners caught in break-up-make-up cycles have often lost connection with their core selves \u2014 the parts of them that are grounded, centered and aware of their true needs, feelings and desires. Instead they\u2019re living in reaction to one another and whatever is going on in the moment, without real sight of the bigger picture.<\/p>\n

Lori: While it can be very powerful to look at the \u201cwhy\u201d for staying together, for couples in your situation it\u2019s equally important to understand why you broke up. Couples who have ended it twice tend to have a major flaw in the foundation. One breakup can be blamed on bad circumstances, a mistake, or a partner needing to do a little catching up in the maturity department. But two splits tell a different story. Commonalities on paper are great, but they\u2019re no guarantee you\u2019ll gel. Because what\u2019s not on paper is personality, protective tendencies and how you push each other\u2019s vulnerability buttons. A couple that bickers \u201call the time\u201d is struggling with lack of compassion, and perhaps a loss of respect. Passionate, romantic love in every relationship ebbs and flows. But once contempt creeps in, it\u2019s often game over. So ask yourself, why did you really walk away? And what is the work that would have to be done to stay together?<\/p>\n

Jeff: I\u2019m curious what you each use as criteria when you decide that the relationship \u201cisn\u2019t it.\u201d I imagine it\u2019s not just the bickering you mentioned but since you haven\u2019t indicated any other reasons for your splits, I\u2019ll make some suggestions. We\u2019ve definitely seen the \u201con again, off again\u201d relationship before and it\u2019s usually caused by one or each of the partners deciding that the person they\u2019re with isn\u2019t the \u201cone.\u201d These partners leave their relationships to free themselves up for the continued search for that elusive unicorn. The only problem, as Dan Savage (our favorite sex advice columnist) says, \u201cThe \u2018one\u2019 is a lie. But the beautiful part of the lie is that it\u2019s a lie you can tell yourself.\u201d Once the lie has been understood as such, or when one partner decides they simply cannot find anyone better, they go back, convincing themselves that at least it\u2019s better than being alone. Wash, rinse, repeat.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff: So, if \u201cone day it\u2019s fine and next it\u2019s black,\u201d take some time to figure out (with help, if needed) what each of you need in a relationship and whether or not the other is able and willing to deliver. Keeping one foot out, just in case something better comes along, can be an indication that there is no foundation of love, trust and vulnerability to the relationship. It can also mean that you\u2019re not ready to emotionally commit, even though you think it\u2019s time to settle down.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com<\/a> and your query may be selected for a future column.<\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Jeff and Lori, I\u2019m in my late 20s and have been with my partner for four years. Twice in the past year we\u2019ve broken up and gotten back together. Each time we decide to try again, it\u2019s good for a few months, then one or both of us starts to question if this is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2454671","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-18 15:00:22","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2454671","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2454671"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2454671\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2454671"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2454671"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2454671"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}