{"id":2455277,"date":"2020-03-03T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-03-03T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=321928"},"modified":"2020-03-03T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2020-03-03T07:00:00","slug":"she-said-he-said-understanding-the-why-of-the-lie-might-help-your-relationship-last","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/she-said-he-said-understanding-the-why-of-the-lie-might-help-your-relationship-last\/","title":{"rendered":"She Said, He Said: Understanding the \u2018why\u2019 of the lie might help your relationship last"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Lori and Jeff, <\/span><\/p>\n

I often catch my wife lying about small things and it\u2019s driving me crazy. I believe that she\u2019s faithful, but can\u2019t understand why she won\u2019t be honest about why she\u2019s often late or why she didn\u2019t do the errands she said she would do. I know she doesn\u2019t plan her days well, and this is a major issue in our marriage. She always tries to squeeze in time to do things for herself, but then she never admits it. The fact that she doesn\u2019t get stuff done is frustrating enough, but lying about why she falls short is pushing me over the edge. How can I get her to tell the truth so that this marriage can last?<\/p>\n

Signed,<\/p>\n

Truth Seeker<\/p>\n

Dear TS,<\/span><\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff: No one likes to be lied to, but not all deceit is created equally. We\u2019re not implying that some lies are OK, and the reality is we could write a book about the gray areas of truth from white lies to brutal honesty. But for the sake of helping your marriage last, it\u2019s important to understand the \u201cwhy\u201d behind the lies.<\/p>\n

Lori: It sounds as though your wife is struggling with ambivalence over whether to meet your needs or hers. Ambivalence is often misunderstood as someone not caring enough, when in fact it\u2019s the result of caring too much about things that appear to be in opposition. And that feeling of being stuck in the middle leaves one unable to commit to a choice or to follow through. The problem isn\u2019t that she doesn\u2019t care about you, it\u2019s that the relationship has positioned her and your needs against each other. Her lying is a symptom of her guilt for choosing her needs over yours. She cares enough about letting you down to believe it was wrong, but can\u2019t bring herself to sacrifice her needs for yours to make it right. I\u2019m not telling you this to take her side, or even to let her off the hook. But rather to help you understand that if you want to support her in being more honest, as a couple you\u2019ll need to create a relationship in which there\u2019s room for both of your needs to be validated and honored.<\/p>\n

Jeff: The first thing to consider is how safe your wife feels in telling you the truth. Somewhere, either from her upbringing or from you (or a combination of both), she\u2019s learned that it\u2019s not OK for her to be upfront about how she spends her time. While she may be disorganized or struggle with prioritizing things that are important to the relationship, she may also be so fearful of your retribution that she believes it\u2019s easier and safer to stretch the truth. I\u2019d imagine she doesn\u2019t feel great about disappointing you and probably spends a lot of energy coming up with stories designed to shield her from your reactions. That energy, if redirected, could be used to get a lot more accomplished on a daily basis.<\/p>\n

People can change and get better at contributing to the common goals of the relationship but only if they are encouraged to do so in a kind, compassionate way \u2014 not by constantly being accused of lies or other misdeeds. It sounds like you\u2019ve both lost some trust in each other; your trust in her to prioritize the relationship and her trust in you to accept her for who she is.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff: Partners who lie do it for a myriad of reasons, but often what underlies deceit in healthy relationships is a fear of telling the truth \u2014 fear of judgment, criticism, punishment or abandonment. It may seem contradictory to suggest that these emotional consequences could exist in a strong relationship, but they do. They show up subtly in reactions that are blaming and shaming, and through emotionally shutting down or withdrawing. If you want your partner to be honest with you, you need to make it safe for them to tell their truth, and be a real partner in working together toward a balanced solution.<\/p>\n

Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com<\/a> and your query may be selected for a future column.<\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Lori and Jeff, I often catch my wife lying about small things and it\u2019s driving me crazy. I believe that she\u2019s faithful, but can\u2019t understand why she won\u2019t be honest about why she\u2019s often late or why she didn\u2019t do the errands she said she would do. I know she doesn\u2019t plan her days […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2455277","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-18 12:31:56","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2455277","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2455277"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2455277\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2455277"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2455277"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2455277"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}