{"id":2455402,"date":"2020-03-05T09:19:00","date_gmt":"2020-03-05T16:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=322059"},"modified":"2020-03-05T09:19:00","modified_gmt":"2020-03-05T16:19:00","slug":"writing-switch-creations-of-modern-unnecessity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/writing-switch-creations-of-modern-unnecessity\/","title":{"rendered":"Writing Switch: Creations of modern unnecessity"},"content":{"rendered":"
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As Nathan Fielder once said, \u201cNobody knows to ask for something that hasn\u2019t been invented yet.\u201d We found this to be true as we sat in our inventing workshop and were shooting blanks. A double-chambered prophylactic? No, we don\u2019t want to be on THIS side of THAT lawsuit. But always committed to making the world a better place, we endeavored to offer humanity the following inventions, if someone wants to crowdfund us and also teach us how to 3D print.<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

Jerry Signals<\/p>\n

SB:<\/strong> For people like myself and Ben, when he decides to ski more than once a week, riding with earbuds isn\u2019t a problem because no one is really passing us. I\u2019m not boasting; it\u2019s what happens after spending a quarter of a year on the mountain for a decade.<\/p>\n

However, for people who prefer tunes but suck at skiing or snowboarding, there\u2019s a certain amount of chaos that comes with falling-leafing it down a crowded blue, unable to see what\u2019s behind you while also deaf to the sounds of edges scraping around you. Throw in fogged up goggles and you\u2019re practically Helen Keller on skis. Add booze and it\u2019s mountain full of shit-canned blind, deaf, dumb and numb skiers.<\/p>\n

Enter the Jerry Signals. It\u2019s a pair of sensors hooked up to your Bluetooth that beep when someone is approaching from behind to the right or left, beeping faster the closer a person is and beeping in the ear corresponding to the side of the approaching skier.<\/p>\n

You could argue it\u2019s sensory overload but there has to be a better way for these Ikon Pass holders, who are good enough to be on expert runs but not good (or polite) enough to stay out of the way, to be aware of their surroundings.<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

Legal Pseudonym Generator<\/span><\/p>\n

BW:<\/strong> Changing your name is an arduous process that requires many forms, a hearing and a petition. I really don\u2019t want to knock on doors gathering signatures from my neighbors about my identity, nor do I desire explaining to a jury of my peers why I suddenly want to be known as \u201cRusty Thrustwell.\u201d With this device your inconspicuous pseudonym is instantly valid in the eyes of the law, letting you open new Venmo accounts to scam people on Tinder, fly in a plane without your warrants coming up, and get back into all the bars you\u2019ve been 86\u2019ed from. Congratulations, Gizelle Holcombe!<\/p>\n

Personally, I\u2019d prefer to swap to a more genderly androgynous name, like Avery, Jordan or Taylor. I think I would get more followers and have better luck with interview requests if it\u2019s plausible I\u2019m an attractive woman. Then I walk in with a gruff ass voice and say \u201cHey, I\u2019m Shelby,\u201d and watch their faces droop.<\/p>\n

Have you ever gotten 100 likes on anything? I get eight notifications and I\u2019m like \u201cHell yeah, so funny and popular.\u201d Then a hot chick checks in at Red Lobster and breaks the internet. Also this invention delivers a static shock everytime you sound like an incel. Ouch!<\/p>\n

Screen Time Sphinx<\/h4>\n

SB:<\/strong> I\u2019ve been trying to cut back on my screen time if for no other reason than it\u2019s exhausting. No rant coming, it\u2019s a lot and I\u2019d rather be old-fashioned bored than scrolling-through-drivel bored.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m assuming there are already apps that track screen time and lock you out after so many hours. However, how about an emoji in the top corner of your phone that progressively gets annoyed then angry the longer you\u2019re on your phone?<\/p>\n

Eventually, when you reach your limit, the emoji turns into a sphinx and asks you riddles about what you just consumed for the past seven hours. If you answer wrong, the sphinx posts a link from your previous Google Incognito webpage to all of your 16 social media platforms.<\/p>\n

You want a real disincentive to not playing on your phone for hours? How about your family getting a link to your latest PornHub encounter? The catch is, if what you wasted half your day scrolling through was that entertaining\/memorable, then you should know where Karen McConnell ate dinner. If you mixed up Karen\u2019s recent trip to Olive Garden with Outback Steakhouse, just hope your last dark web session was tasteful. (Narrator: \u201cI was not tasteful.\u201d)<\/p>\n

Movie Writes<\/h4>\n

SB:<\/strong> In order to avoid movie studios making bad movies and good actors hurting their career by starring in them, there should be an anonymous forum where actors can float films they\u2019re thinking about doing and get feedback. I stress anonymous for the actors\u2019 sake because if everyone knew it was The Rock, they\u2019d just like it because everyone likes The Rock.<\/p>\n

To that I say, if an actor floated out the premise of \u201cSkyscraper\u201d \u2014 the forgettable Dwayne Johnson as an amputee in \u201cDie Hard\u201d movie that I fell asleep to twice \u2014 I think people probably would\u2019ve voted it down.<\/p>\n

Side note: It might have worked with a different actor, but The Rock\u2019s upper body weighs more than like two full-grown men, so you never really thought of him as an underdog even with the prosthetic legs.<\/p>\n

Movie Writes also would have a vetting process and commenters would be tracked. You\u2019d answer a series of questions that would figure out which types of movies you like\/know the best to set you up with favorable genres. If you pitched me a romantic drama, the feedback would be largely negative because I\u2019m definitely not the target audience.<\/p>\n

Also, as a commenter\u2019s success rate grows, so would their profile rank. Say your ratio of approved scripts to blockbusters reaches like 75% \u2014 who in the movie industry wouldn\u2019t want access to that data? (Feedback wouldn\u2019t be shared either to avoid piggybacking\/groupthink with people who are proven to know good ideas.) And more importantly, name an actor who wouldn\u2019t want to avoid missteps like the \u201cPost Man\u201d or whatever Val Kilmer did that led to him gaining a couple biscuits and being irrelevant. \u200b<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

Cynner the Cynicism Hug Doll<\/p>\n

BW:<\/strong> The self-help industry is vast, so it\u2019s no wonder Sean and I haven\u2019t gained much traction in it yet. You\u2019d think our niche-market brand of motivation would be popular, but instead everyone just wants a talking stuffed animal to tell them everything is going to be all right. But what if you\u2019re more on the pessimistic side?<\/p>\n

Enter Cynner the Cynicism Hug Doll.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to hear a cuddly robot tell me I\u2019m spectacular and that all my dreams will come true. I want to be lulled to sleep by the voice of Jeremy Irons saying \u201cEhh, what\u2019s the worst that can happen?\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m really not scared about coronavirus because I\u2019m not old or a baby. I\u2019m a strapping young man!\u201d<\/p>\n

Think of a haunted version of Teddy Ruxpin, or a Peekaboo Bear, for all you readers still playing with toys.<\/p>\n

Sometimes not everyone needs to be uplifted, but reminded it\u2019s OK to be sad and that we are all Cynners.<\/p>\n

Which brings us to\u2026<\/p>\n

<\/h4>\n

Killedswitch Emergency App<\/p>\n

BW:<\/strong> Nobody is expecting to die early or by accident. And if you\u2019re like me \u2014 and God bless you if you are \u2014 your last thought in a maybe-gonna-die scenario is \u201cshit when was the last time I cleared my browser history?\u201d Always thinking of others, up until the last moments.<\/p>\n

With this app, you can give a trusted friend a code to enter in the unfortunate event of your untimely demise, and all your devices and social media accounts immediately get locked down and\/or wiped, depending on your user settings. Photos, files, documents, OnlyFans accounts \u2014 gone with a flick of the Killedswitch, erasing all digital memories your family will have of you. Disclaimer: You may want to have a little chit-chat with this person before giving them the responsibility of your legacy.<\/p>\n

\u201cKilledswitch\u201d is what our editors are going to say they did with our column. sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a> bwelch@aspentimes.com<\/a><\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As Nathan Fielder once said, \u201cNobody knows to ask for something that hasn\u2019t been invented yet.\u201d We found this to be true as we sat in our inventing workshop and were shooting blanks. A double-chambered prophylactic? No, we don\u2019t want to be on THIS side of THAT lawsuit. But always committed to making the world […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2455402","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-18 12:07:17","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2455402","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2455402"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2455402\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2455402"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2455402"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2455402"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}