{"id":2456117,"date":"2020-03-21T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-03-21T19:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=322912"},"modified":"2020-03-21T13:00:00","modified_gmt":"2020-03-21T19:00:00","slug":"writing-switch-a-spatial-oddity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/writing-switch-a-spatial-oddity\/","title":{"rendered":"Writing Switch: A Spatial Oddity"},"content":{"rendered":"
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About a week ago (yes, that\u2019s all the longer it\u2019s been), Utah Jazz star Rudy Gobert broke the entire world by touching everybody\u2019s things like a jackass and canceling the NBA. A few days later, businesses and organizations from Arby\u2019s to your local handbell choir are tripping over themselves to shut down our entire society with somber emails that start with \u201cDear family and friends\u201d and end in \u201cWe did not make this decision lightly.\u201d<\/p>\n

Many people in the employee-housing segment of Aspen are feeling the pinch \u2014 us too, as a portion of our income is derived from sports betting.* Out of boredom, we started shouting random wagers like \u201c$50 says Nick Foles will start again for the Jaguars!\u201d and \u201cI bet you don\u2019t know who\u2019s on the $100,000 bill!\u201d<\/p>\n

So this week we play bookie and get those gambling endorphins flowing \u2014 minus bacteria-ridden cards and chips \u2014 by offering future odds on apocalyptic Aspen.<\/p>\n

(Keep in mind that we wrote this some number of days ago, so if any jokes actually come to fruition about Gov. Polis mandating chastity belts or how the only people who will survive are the ones who did, indeed, panic \u2026 well, sorry.)<\/p>\n

*But not a significant enough portion of our income that needs to be filed on our W-2s.<\/p>\n

Do you have the coronavirus, or are you just hungover?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Hungover (-500)<\/span><\/p>\n

Coronavirus (+1200)<\/span><\/p>\n

SB:<\/strong> Ah, this is an interesting proposition in a time of uncertainty and certainly not sobriety when the slightest cough, headache or bout of booze sweats is scrutinized by the expertise of Dr. WebMDs everywhere. Do I actually think I have coronavirus when the only thing I\u2019ve done in the past couple weeks on my \u201cDid I COVID?\u201d radar was smoke a bowl with a few friends in Snowmass.<\/p>\n

My hands are cracking because of I\u2019ve washed them enough times to make a germaphobe say \u201cThat\u2019s probably excessive.\u201d I have booze, weed and food reserves of a typical party of 18 staying in a Snowmass condo for a week. (That\u2019s inside hospitality for an FT of supplies.) There\u2019s no reason for me to leave my house other than to potentially waste a great Lakers season. However, I want sports back. I\u2019ve debated getting into E-sports. Lord, help me. Bet the favorite.<\/p>\n

Which activity will you spend more time doing in isolation?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Video games (-250)<\/span><\/p>\n

Self pleasure (+400)<\/span><\/p>\n

BW:<\/strong> I hate all the video games I\u2019m currently playing (\u201cNBA2K20,\u201d \u201cRocket League,\u201d \u201cOverwatch\u201d), so will probably take the time to finish my novel, \u201cThree Car Seats Outside Rockford Illinois,\u201d or start \u201cJedi: Fallen Order\u201d and finish \u201cRed Dead Redemption 2.\u201d I think the longer my pseudo-quarantined frustrations pent up, the healthier it is to play single-player games and avoid competition. I\u2019m kind of the throwy type and not a fan of the sportsmanship movement. Day One was a real come-to-Skywalker moment.<\/p>\n

Playing all day was more comfortable after shuffling the couch cushions, because my favorite spot\u2019s getting too squishy.** With your standard three-cushion couch I prefer the center-left quadrant, which is ironic since I\u2019m more center-right philosophically (#donthateme).<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sitting in the middle of the crack. I prefer sinking into the precipice and resting my thigh on the slightly-raised portion of the left cushion. It\u2019s a fulcrum that gives me leverage in Xbox controller gripping when my teammates *ahem* waste another opportunity and I\u2019m tempted *ahem* to throw it at my refrigerator.<\/p>\n

Anyway, $1 million on self pleasure.<\/p>\n

**Cushions is a word you can spell six different ways and it never looks right.<\/p>\n

How many days of uphilling will we do now that Aspen-Snowmass lifts are closed?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Over\/Under 2.5 days<\/span><\/p>\n

SB:<\/strong> Asking me to uphill is akin to asking me to do CrossFit. If there was a really good reason to do either, I haven\u2019t found it. However, now that the lifts are closed because Aspen let coronavirus in like a Trojan Horse, I\u2019m strongly considering trying new things. (Maybe if the pandemic response team was called a \u201cSpace Force,\u201d it would\u2019ve been spared Donny T\u2019s wrath? Yeah, I don\u2019t think so either.) No, I\u2019m not going to try beets again but I may try smearing a bunch of sunscreen on my face and not rubbing it in all the way before trudging up a mountain.<\/p>\n

My guess is that, like the Highland Bowl, I\u2019ll get disinterested about halfway up and just drop in. If the O\/U was 2.5 half days, then I\u2019d say take the overs. But betting that I\u2019ll make it up Tiehack AND find a splitboard to borrow for three full days is a worse bet than trying to find TP at a grocery store after noon.<\/p>\n

Which generation is more upset about one killing the other?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Greta Thunberg at climate deniers (-400)<\/span><\/p>\n

Old people at millennials going ahead with that EDM concert anyway (+500)<\/span><\/p>\n

BW:<\/strong> Most of the anger old people feel is resentment at the fact millenials always have something to do. \u201cEveryone is addicted to their screens!\u201d Well, yeah grandma, but it\u2019s better than reading WorldVentures magazine in the dentist\u2019s waiting room.<\/p>\n

The nationwide shut-in is the first test of modern society\u2019s ability to stave off boredom. Some people are complaining that they\u2019re lonely and under quarantine without a significant other. I am not. Can you imagine being trapped in close quarters with children, or a grumpy girlfriend, for two months? Don\u2019t know who is able to hold in their farts for that long.<\/p>\n

Shit, I ain\u2019t showered since last Wednesday, although sometimes I stick my belly outside the patio door to get some fresh air. I\u2019m also not wasting quarters on laundry since I just wear my \u201cpajamas\u201d (in quotations because I actually sleep nude) except when I need to throw on a shirt for a Zoom meeting, and that\u2019s only half an outfit anyway.<\/p>\n

And so I ask, HOW DARE YOU?, and simp away $400 on my girl Greta.<\/p>\n

Who is happier about distractions caused by the coronavirus pandemic?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Donald Trump (+700)<\/span><\/p>\n

Sean Beckwith (+250)<\/span><\/p>\n

Skippy Mesirow (EVEN)<\/span><\/p>\n

Lee Mulcahy (-1000)<\/span><\/p>\n

SB:<\/strong> We can rule me and your boy DT out of the equation. I haven\u2019t watched sports or listened to sports-related podcasts in a week and counting. I have enough video games and streaming services to keep me entertained because we all know I ain\u2019t putting out \u201cKing Lear\u201d anytime soon. Trump, well, he seemed more upset that he had to admit he lied on national TV than that he came in contact with someone who had coronavirus.<\/p>\n

As far as notable local figures go, I\u2019m not sure Insta-storying COVID-19 confirmations is really the best use of that platform but you have to gain influencer status somehow. Also, the federal government has made mention of easing evictions and things of that sort, so insert Stanley Hudson \u201cI couldn\u2019t be happier\u201d gif here for Lee. Pump the favorite.<\/p>\n

sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a> bwelch@aspentimes.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

About a week ago (yes, that\u2019s all the longer it\u2019s been), Utah Jazz star Rudy Gobert broke the entire world by touching everybody\u2019s things like a jackass and canceling the NBA. A few days later, businesses and organizations from Arby\u2019s to your local handbell choir are tripping over themselves to shut down our entire society […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2456117","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-18 08:52:39","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley's Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2456117","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2456117"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2456117\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2456117"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2456117"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2456117"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}