{"id":2456646,"date":"2020-04-02T14:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-04-02T20:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=323646"},"modified":"2020-04-02T14:00:00","modified_gmt":"2020-04-02T20:00:00","slug":"writing-switch-master-of-none-class","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/writing-switch-master-of-none-class\/","title":{"rendered":"Writing Switch: Master of None Class"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-image p402_hide\">\n<div class=\"caption-container\"> <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"682\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-040220-1-1024x682.jpg\" class=\"attachment-large size-large wp-post-image\" alt srcset=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-040220-1-1024x682.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-040220-1-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-040220-1-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-040220-1-1536x1024.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-040220-1-2048x1365.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\"><figcaption><strong>little girl, crying, angry, patient, little girl, conflict, family conflict<\/strong><br \/><em>Getty Images\/iStockphoto | iStockphoto<\/em><\/figcaption><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Learning and working has diverted to the at-home realm, which means people are finally discovering that we could\u2019ve been doing this all along and societal norms will eventually shift for the better. Sure, some of you weirdos actually like going into an office, but after three weeks of martial law, we still enjoy waking up and thinking \u201cI have nowhere to go today \u2026 yes!\u201d (That sort of sounds like we\u2019re roommates or something, which we are not.) It would be morally irresponsible not to teach you our pro-tricks to surviving iso, so this week we fiddled with some PowerPoint slides and developed a couple educational presentations about staying sane inside your own house.<\/p>\n<h5><\/h5>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>HOW TO ZOOM LIKE YOU\u2019VE USED TECHNOLOGY BEFORE<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>SB:<\/strong> Hello, my name is Sean Beckwith, welcome to Zoom Master Class. I\u2019ve never watched one of these but my guess is they usually start off with some kind of introduction where the host lists off their accreditations and qualifications to reassure you that you are, in fact, listening to an expert.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Well, I\u2019ve only been on Zoom for about two weeks but my lifelong experience with various messaging platforms, chats, texts, FaceTime and whatever else the kids are exchanging sexts on has prepared me for this moment of virtual meetings.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Now, I can understand your apprehension paying money to a person who just admitted to only using the platform for two weeks, but I\u2019m a phenomenal teacher and I don\u2019t think I\u2019m getting paid for this so do me a favor a appreciate the pro bono assistance.<\/p>\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"col\">\n<div class=\"row at-donation at-donation-mobile p-0\">\n<div class=\"col-xl-4 p-2\">\n<div data-bg=\"url(https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png)\" class=\"p-0 mt-2 mb-2 h-75 text-center rocket-lazyload\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png\" class=\"logo m-0 p-0 invisible\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div data-bg=\"url(https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/at-banner-paypal.jpg)\" class=\"col-xl-8 p-3 text-center rocket-lazyload\">\n<h3 class=\"d-inline mr-3\">Support Local Journalism<\/h3>\n<p><button class=\"btn d-inline\" type=\"button\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/donate\/?utm_source=article&amp;utm_medium=website&amp;utm_campaign=donation&amp;utm_term=&amp;utm_content=mid-article\">Donate<\/a><\/button><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">The No. 1 key to using Zoom is to actually use it. Sure, you can be that guy who rifles off emails utilizing the subject line for the entire email or you cannot annoy the shit out of your coworkers. I hate mundane updates as much as the next person so share them on Zoom so the rest of us don\u2019t have to open an email regarding your lunch break and rather can scroll through them like the empty Facebook posts they\u2019re masquerading as.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Think of Zoom chats like a group text where everyone helps Jennifer figure out that check-in is at the Stonebrindge Condos, not the Stoenbridge Inn. It\u2019s a communication program, not just that thing app you use to FaceTime coworkers.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Speaking of which, I know small talk once made possible by office proximity isn\u2019t as easy now that we\u2019re working in PJs but there\u2019s no need to call a meeting for the sake of calling a meeting.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">However, if you are so unfortunate to get stuck on a call that Craig was woefully unprepared for, the nice thing about Zoom is it lets you multitask while selectively listening for the 15 to 20% of the meeting that actually concerns you.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">A couple caveats to know are you\u2019re still on camera, and mute\/unmute your microphone accordingly. Giving everyone a close-up of your pores at 9:30 a.m. is about as pleasant as the sound of you eating.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Now we\u2019ve reached the rapid-fire part of this paid TED Talk:<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u25a0 If you\u2019re important enough that a 30-minute break will affect your staff, an email is fine, just don\u2019t milk it<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u25a0 The only advantage to wearing \u201cnormal\u201d clothes while working from home is the satisfaction of changing into give-ups<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u25a0 The \u201copt not to be on video even though we know you have video capability\u201d move in a group meeting isn\u2019t going to get rid of the creepy vibe you may or may not give off intentionally<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u25a0 If you\u2019re extremely backlit, you look like an anonymous source on an episode of \u201cDateline,\u201d trying to keep your identity hidden from Central American cartel<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u25a0 I know you want to look professional hosting the company-wide cutback meeting but use common sense so you\u2019re not literally a talking suit<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u25a0 Please don\u2019t Zoom from your bathroom<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">We\u2019ll forgo the Q&amp;A portion because I have a feeling I\u2019m not going to get my fee. Well, I hope you enjoyed my little presentation. Now you too can utilize Zoom like a millennial sextuple multitasking on 14 different screens. Welcome to 2020.<\/p>\n<h5><\/h5>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>HOW NOT TO HOMESCHOOL YOUR KIDS<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>BW:<\/strong> My favorite confession while playing \u201cTwo Truths and a Lie\u201d is that I was homeschooled my whole life, and also because I take satisfaction in people\u2019s befuddlement.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u201cBut you\u2019re so \u2026 normal,\u201d they say, catching themselves at the last second before sounding too offensive.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">\u201cI\u2019m wearing a boot on my head, see visions of the future and have bumpy arms,\u201d I remind them.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">As parents are suddenly tasked with the burden of overseeing their children\u2019s upbringing \u2014 or education, at least \u2014 many are wondering how to navigate distance learning and multiplication table homework. And now, as someone who went coast to coast, my peers who begat kids, accidentally or otherwise, are asking how I tolerated it.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">My advice: Go f\u2014 yourself.<\/p>\n<h5>EVERYONE MUST SUFFER LIKE I DID!<\/h5>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Quarantine? I was literally bread for this, and yes I\u2019m using \u201cliterally\u201d by the correct definition (and also \u201cbread\u201d \u2026 don\u2019t worry about it). You think staying home for a month is tough? Try it for K thru 12 \u2014 chained to a radiator.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Everyone thinks self-isolation is fun for the first week, maybe two. But then you start getting cabin fever. You start feeling horny. But not me; If this is armageddon I will definitely survive because for many years the only social interaction I experienced with girls was twice a week while they mocked me mercilessly in Sunday school and confirmation class. I am today years old when I realized it\u2019s because they thought I was hawt.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">I especially love it when people try to empathize. \u201cOh yeah! I was homeschooled for part of fifth grade. I toootally understand how you feel.\u201d No you don\u2019t, shut up.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">What\u2019s the hierarchy in the cafeteria? Do you bring your backpacks into class? I always had an irrational fear of being naked in the locker room, despite knowing the feasibility of that situation ever happening was zero. Regardless, I tanked my freshman-year basketball tryout harder than liberal governors tanking the economy to oust Trump. Do kids still shower at school? I feel like there\u2019s a lot of liability there. How necessary can that level of cleanliness be? I work out all the time (cough) without showering and don\u2019t get stanky (cough) \u2014 how much more of an olfactory threat can teenagers pose? Anyway, stemming from that trauma, nobody has seen me with my shirt off since 2003. #nevernude<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Anti-social distancing bothering you? The most contact I had with other humans during childhood was when my sister used a couch cushion to bodyslam me into our great-grandma\u2019s antique china cabinet. I was 7 years old and grounded for what would turn out to be the longest week of my life. Who\u2019d guess 20-some years later that specific incident would propel me through the apocalypse?<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">I was basically Butters from \u201cSouth Park,\u201d constantly living in fear of being grounded, and also not really understanding what the hell is going on. Other kids were able to lash out at authority because even if they were punished, they still were legally obligated to attend school and see their friends. If I ever \u201cdidn\u2019t practice piano long enough\u201d or \u201crolled my eyes,\u201d it was back to the radiator, young man. Consequently, I graduated college with eyebrow piercings, dyed hair and a degree in journalism because I so much wanted to experience the My Chemical Romance phase glorified by MySpace way too long ago.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">You have to pay attention to the curriculum that you\u2019re shoving down your kids\u2019 throats. Sometimes I still catch myself about to say something stupid out loud, like \u201cActually, they found a live dinosaur a few years ago, which proves evolution isn\u2019t true,\u201d until Grown-Up Ben realizes that fact came from a Young Earth propaganda magazine hidden in the \u201cParables of Jesus\u201d cursive handwriting workbook.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">There\u2019s a difference between parents who make the conscious decision to homeschool their children and those who are suddenly like \u201cOh shit, the \u2018Fortnight\u2019 servers are down?\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">But fear not; students today can learn math and reproduction on the internet from people who are way smarter than you. They have graphics and roleplays, which makes it easier for the child to understand, being that they\u2019re in the generation addicted to screens since birth.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Then again, I have no idea what goes on in actual classrooms; \u201cPublic school\u201d was as disgusting of a phrase as \u201cOh crap\u201d growing up, and I\u2019ve stepped foot in a real-ass high school only three times in my life.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Once it was for a production of \u201cThree Musketeers.\u201d Another was to buy a quarter of sarsaparilla. Third time was an alien abduction. Which is the lie?<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><em><a href=\"mailto:bwelch@aspentimes.com\">bwelch@aspentimes.com<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/bwelch1990\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">@bwelch1990<\/a><i class=\"fas fa-external-link-alt\"><\/i> <a href=\"mailto:sbeckwith@aspentimes.com\">sbeckwith@aspentimes.com<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/SeanBeckwith\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">@seanbeckwith<\/a><i class=\"fas fa-external-link-alt\"><\/i><\/em><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/opinion\/master-of-none-class\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>little girl, crying, angry, patient, little girl, conflict, family conflictGetty Images\/iStockphoto | iStockphoto Learning and working has diverted to the at-home realm, which means people are finally discovering that we could\u2019ve been doing this all along and societal norms will eventually shift for the better. Sure, some of you weirdos actually like going into an [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2456646","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-18 06:34:44","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley&#039;s Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2456646","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2456646"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2456646\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2456646"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2456646"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2456646"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}