{"id":2457131,"date":"2020-04-13T22:56:00","date_gmt":"2020-04-14T04:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/news\/she-said-he-said-finding-right-match-is-somewhere-between-forgettable-and-flawless\/"},"modified":"2020-04-13T22:56:00","modified_gmt":"2020-04-14T04:56:00","slug":"she-said-he-said-finding-right-match-is-somewhere-between-forgettable-and-flawless","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/she-said-he-said-finding-right-match-is-somewhere-between-forgettable-and-flawless\/","title":{"rendered":"She Said, He Said: Finding right match is somewhere between forgettable and flawless"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-image p402_hide\">\n<div class=\"caption-container\"> <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"732\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-1024x732.jpg\" class=\"attachment-large size-large wp-post-image\" alt srcset=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-1024x732.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-300x214.jpg 300w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-768x549.jpg 768w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-1536x1097.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-2048x1463.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\"><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Dear Lori and Jeff,<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText\">My friends recently set me up with a guy and we went on a date a few weeks ago. He\u2019s nice and seems to have his life put together, but I\u2019m not really interested in him. I could tell that he was into me and said he wanted to go out again, but I didn\u2019t feel the same chemistry. My friends think I\u2019m crazy for not wanting to see him again and it\u2019s gotten more complicated because they\u2019ve started inviting him to hang out with our group. It\u2019s becoming awkward because he keeps hitting on me. How do I get out of this gracefully?<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND Letter Title\">Signed,<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND Letter Name\">Not Into Him<\/p>\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"col\">\n<div class=\"row at-donation at-donation-mobile p-0\">\n<div class=\"col-xl-4 p-2\">\n<div data-bg=\"url(https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png)\" class=\"p-0 mt-2 mb-2 h-75 text-center rocket-lazyload\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png\" class=\"logo m-0 p-0 invisible\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div data-bg=\"url(https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/at-banner-paypal.jpg)\" class=\"col-xl-8 p-3 text-center rocket-lazyload\">\n<h3 class=\"d-inline mr-3\">Support Local Journalism<\/h3>\n<p><button class=\"btn d-inline\" type=\"button\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/donate\/?utm_source=article&amp;utm_medium=website&amp;utm_campaign=donation&amp;utm_term=&amp;utm_content=mid-article\">Donate<\/a><\/button><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Dear NIH,<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Lori and Jeff: While your friends probably have your best interest in mind, they may still need some feedback as to what you\u2019re really looking for. But to paint the picture of your perfect mate, you also have to know what checks all your boxes. We encourage bae-seeking-singles to make a list of five to eight non-negotiables. These are traits, characteristics, values or interests that a person has to have in order for you to see yourself with them for the long-term. If you meet someone who you enjoy spending time with and fits the list, give them a chance, even if there isn\u2019t an immediate spark.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Lori: If this relationship really is a no-go, Jeff will help you break down the steps to ending it with this guy. But before you make up your mind to swipe left, make sure you know who you\u2019re letting go of. Jeff and I didn\u2019t have instant chemistry. We worked together five days a week for over a year before we discovered how much we could feel for each other. The evolution of modern dating \u2014 from speed dating, to online, to apps \u2014 in all of its increased efficiency, has created one serious disservice: impatience. Singles have been trained to make decisions in the span of a second about their compatibility with another human. Daters used to spend weeks, or even months sussing out whether a decent potential mate could grow into something more. Now, for many singles, that decision is happening over the course of one or two dates. So if there\u2019s any part of you that\u2019s tired of Tindering or ready to find something real, you may need to slow your roll for a minute. Be open to the possibility that your friends know you and know what could be good for you. If you\u2019re willing to stay curious tell him you\u2019re not ready to jump into a relationship with him but that you\u2019re willing to get to know him.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Jeff: If you\u2019re sure learning more about him won\u2019t have the potential to change your mind, then be clear with yourself as to why and let him know (with kindness and certainty) that the two of you don\u2019t have a future together. This may be a bit awkward as you both spend time together as part of the group, but it\u2019s better than keeping him \u201con the hook\u201d as a way to lessen your guilt from rejecting him or as a back-up in case you can\u2019t find someone better.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText\">If you find that setting boundaries and saying \u201cno\u201d are challenging for you, then do a little soul-searching around your relationship with conflict, pleasing or accommodating others or keeping the peace at your own expense. Or, if you find that letting people get close to you is difficult, spend some time looking at your stories about trust and commitment. It may be that you often find faults and flaws in potential partners as a way to keep them at a distance and from potentially breaking your heart.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Lori and Jeff: You don\u2019t have to settle for mediocrity to be in a relationship, but there\u2019s also no such thing as a perfect partner. Somewhere between forgettable and flawless is where most matches are made. So if you want a relationship that lasts more than a few dates, you have to know how to prioritize what\u2019s really important and how to overlook what\u2019s not.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Of note: We received this question before the stay-at-home orders were instituted, and our response applies only to when life gets back to normal.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText Tagline\">Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to <a href=\"mailto:info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com<\/a><i class=\"fas fa-external-link-alt\"><\/i> and your query may be selected for a future column.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/news\/she-said-he-said-finding-right-match-is-somewhere-between-forgettable-and-flawless\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dear Lori and Jeff, My friends recently set me up with a guy and we went on a date a few weeks ago. He\u2019s nice and seems to have his life put together, but I\u2019m not really interested in him. I could tell that he was into me and said he wanted to go out [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2457131","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-18 04:15:23","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley&#039;s Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2457131","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2457131"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2457131\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2457131"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2457131"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2457131"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}