{"id":2457931,"date":"2020-05-01T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-05-01T16:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=325068"},"modified":"2020-05-01T10:00:00","modified_gmt":"2020-05-01T16:00:00","slug":"writing-switch-locked-up-linguistics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/writing-switch-locked-up-linguistics\/","title":{"rendered":"Writing Switch: Locked-up linguistics"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-image p402_hide\">\n<div class=\"caption-container\"> <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"760\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-043020-1-1024x760.jpg\" class=\"attachment-large size-large wp-post-image\" alt srcset=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-043020-1-1024x760.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-043020-1-300x223.jpg 300w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-043020-1-768x570.jpg 768w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-043020-1-1536x1141.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/04\/switch-atw-043020-1-2048x1521.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\"><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">New phrases become annoying as soon as they start appearing in TV commercials. The proverbial Hot Topic of modern lexicon is when Flo the Progressive girl or Jake from State Farm start lecturing us on \u201ccontactless delivery.\u201d It\u2019s like, yo, The Lonely Island\u2019s \u201cLike a Boss\u201d skit is 10 years old, nobody is going to buy that shirt because it\u2019s not funny anymore, and only Zak Bagans still wears fingerless gloves. This week, we break down obnoxious new coronavirus-inspired additions to vernacular, and also just break down in general.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>New normal<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>SB:<\/strong> The most exhausting phrase to come out of this pandemic is \u201cnew normal.\u201d It\u2019s not a new normal; it\u2019s a temporary normal. In a year and a half when you\u2019re shaking hands at a business meeting or job interview, you\u2019re not going to think twice because there will be a vaccine.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">We\u2019re not going to be elbow bumping or wearing a buff around the grocery store. You think people like Zoom? The novelty has worn off, and so has any kind of turn of phrase like \u201cNew Abnormal\u201d or \u201cBrave New Normal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Shut up and practice protocol, jackass, so we can get back to throwing peanut shells on the ground at baseball stadiums and washing our hands only when we get piss on them.<\/p>\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"col\" readability=\"6\">\n<div class=\"row at-donation at-donation-mobile p-0\" readability=\"7\">\n<div class=\"col-xl-4 p-2\">\n<div data-bg=\"url(https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png)\" class=\"p-0 mt-2 mb-2 h-75 text-center rocket-lazyload\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png\" class=\"logo m-0 p-0 invisible\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><h3 class=\"d-inline mr-3\">Support Local Journalism<\/h3>\n<p><button class=\"btn d-inline\" type=\"button\" onclick=\"handleDonationButtonClickMidArticle()\">Donate<\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>We\u2019re all in this together<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>BW:<\/strong> I don\u2019t need your help. Who was there to wipe my tears away when Kobe died? I was by myself then and I\u2019m by myself now, and I will be by myself for the next year and probably forever as Bumble has been rendered completely worthless. You think I\u2019m going to meet a chick by screaming at her through a Michael Meyers mask and across the bar when I couldn\u2019t even muster a connection back when you could walk right up behind them and sniff their hair? Hell no. The only human contact I\u2019ve had in the past 45 days was when I accidentally bumped hands with the gas station clerk, and let\u2019s just say it wiggled a little.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>Social distancing<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>SB:<\/strong> This is the practice of staying 6 feet away from other humans. You\u2019d think it would be an easy rule to follow. But there\u2019s a large portion of the population who believe other people need to move.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Whether it\u2019s entitled moms on bikes riding with children or people on bikes in general, can we please ride the bike in the street? Also, I understand people who like to zag when others zig about social distancing but please zag the hell away from me when possible.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>Quarantini<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>BW:<\/strong> I\u2019m playing a game during isolation called \u201cTally the Number of Times You Drink, Shower, Smoke and Gamble\u201d where I count how often I \u2026 well, you get the picture. According to my chart, I drank more Svedka-San Pelligrino-Baja Blasts on Thursday than all the bathing combined \u2014 and Thursday was my lowest day. Anyway, enjoy that recipe, which Sean dubbed the \u201cSan Pelligringo,\u201d and consider splashing some Bailey\u2019s in a Swiss chocolate Monster.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>Dr. Anthony Fauci<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>SB:<\/strong> Ahh, Big Fauc, my guy. He quickly became the Dr. James Andrews of COVID-19. While I\u2019m sure he\u2019d prefer to still be largely anonymous and not atop Donald Trump\u2019s Most Desired Fire list, it\u2019s nice seeing doctors get their due. Hopefully, this pandemic inspires a generation to pursue careers in health care and science.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Fauc is well on his way to being a clue in \u201cJeopardy\u201d for eternity and that\u2019s a lot better than being the best at new Vine.<\/p>\n<h4>Wash your hands<\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>BW:<\/strong> There\u2019s no point to scrubbing your paws when you\u2019re just getting them dirty again on an average of *checks chart* four times a day. It\u2019s impossible to keep up with. Do you think I\u2019ve had this cough for five months because I wasn\u2019t using enough disinfectant? I was frequently rubbing myself down with Lysol wipes and all I got was a taint rash to go along with the cough. I did get a little bottle of hand sanitizer from a distillery but I\u2019m saving that for an emergency, like if the liquor stores actually close down. As a hands-related aside, never pick your nose with the same finger you just scratched your butt with.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>Immunocompromised<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>SB:<\/strong> I swear this word is made up. It\u2019s like someone created it because they didn\u2019t want to write out \u201cCompromised immune system\u201d and, instead of going to \u201cat risk\u201d on second reference, opted for \u201cImmunocompromised.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">I\u2019d like to be endowedoplenty or supercalifragilisticexpialidopeAF but those aren\u2019t real words.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">New vocabulary gets added to the dictionary all the time, and I\u2019m fine with that, but not when you make up a word more apt for your tweets. I understand the Twittersphere is currently a barren desert for sports news but don\u2019t compensate for it by learning fake words to tweet to death, just get off Twitter.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>The community<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>BW:<\/strong> Another phrase bandied about to make people feel like others actually care about them. When Kobe died, I wondered \u201cShit, what weird alternate reality did Primary Ben slip into?\u201d Little did I know that soon \u2026 oh well. Oof, Replica Ben 46 just reported that in his timeline, Kobe Bryant succumbed to coronavirus. Guess that makes everything even (except the part where they wear underwear as hats).<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Parallel realities can be a hard thing to internalize, yet somehow their existence is comforting. I like to think that when Alternate Universe Bens were asked to run away to Europe with the women they were in love with, most of them had the courage to say yes. I like to think every Alternate Ben does the opposite of what I do. I like to think, as Primary Ben, I am carrying the cross for all of them, but maybe that\u2019s just the 4\/20 specials and \u201cBlack Jesus\u201d binges talking.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>Essential worker<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>SB:<\/strong> There are essential workers like firefighters, police officers and health care workers, and then there are the people operating on the fringe of essential.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Denver tried to make liquor store clerks and weed shop workers nonessential and then everyone, including me, freaked out and turned Sid\u2019s Suds into whatever grocery Jamie Lee Curtis shopped at during \u201cChristmas with the Kranks.\u201d If you think ladies fighting a fictional battle over Hickory Honey Ham is a lot then you haven\u2019t seen a trophy wife hoard Milagro Silver.<\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\">Technically, Ben and I are essential workers. Other than making sure newspapers are pretty, accurate and spellchecked, we produce a well-written column, which also is, by definition, essential.<\/p>\n<h4><\/h4>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><span>Stay safe<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"Special Sections-ATW-ATW_Body_Serif\"><strong>BW:<\/strong> The same people who are hiking 5 miles to the Highland Bowl with nary a ski patroller on duty are telling me to be careful when I\u2019m just sitting on my couch watching people on my Facebook feed grow crazier by the post? Thanks. Yes, we\u2019re all having fun pretending that little viruses use our shoulders as springboards to leap onto anyone who comes within the arbitrary 6-foot distance for an iota of a second, but you know we can\u2019t actually visually see them doing so, right? This is all in God\u2019s hands now, and let\u2019s hope he hasn\u2019t washed them in retaliation for the whole Pontius Pilate thing.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/opinion\/columns\/writing-switch\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>New phrases become annoying as soon as they start appearing in TV commercials. The proverbial Hot Topic of modern lexicon is when Flo the Progressive girl or Jake from State Farm start lecturing us on \u201ccontactless delivery.\u201d It\u2019s like, yo, The Lonely Island\u2019s \u201cLike a Boss\u201d skit is 10 years old, nobody is going to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2457931","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-17 20:43:13","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley&#039;s Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2457931","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2457931"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2457931\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2457931"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2457931"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2457931"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}