{"id":2458324,"date":"2020-05-12T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-05-12T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/?p=325589"},"modified":"2020-05-12T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2020-05-12T06:00:00","slug":"she-said-he-said-rehashing-the-past-can-be-message-of-underlying-hurt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/local-news\/she-said-he-said-rehashing-the-past-can-be-message-of-underlying-hurt\/","title":{"rendered":"She Said, He Said: Rehashing the past can be message of underlying hurt"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-image p402_hide\">\n<div class=\"caption-container\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"732\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/05\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-1024x732.jpg\" class=\"attachment-large size-large wp-post-image\" alt srcset=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/05\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-1024x732.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/05\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-300x214.jpg 300w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/05\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-768x549.jpg 768w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/05\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-1536x1097.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/05\/shesaidhesaid-atd-012120-1-2048x1463.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\"><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText\"><span class=\"STND:STND BodyText Bold\">Dear Lori and Jeff,<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText\">My wife of two years and I seem to have very different ways of dealing with conflicts in our marriage. I am able to get over things pretty quickly and move on but my wife seems to hold on and can\u2019t let go. Even when she seems to have moved on, she inevitably brings things back up as ammunition for an argument or conflict we\u2019re having in the present. I\u2019ve told her many times that this kind of behavior doesn\u2019t work for me and she promises to work on it but she never does. Any ideas?<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND Pullquote Title\">Signed,<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND Letter Name\">I Wish She\u2019d Get Over It<\/p>\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"col\" readability=\"6\">\n<div class=\"row at-donation at-donation-mobile p-0\" readability=\"7\">\n<div class=\"col-xl-4 p-2\">\n<div data-bg=\"url(https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png)\" class=\"p-0 mt-2 mb-2 h-75 text-center rocket-lazyload\">\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/cdn.aspentimes.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2020\/03\/AT-logo-white.png\" class=\"logo m-0 p-0 invisible\"><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><h3 class=\"d-inline mr-3\">Support Local Journalism<\/h3>\n<p><button class=\"btn d-inline\" type=\"button\" onclick=\"handleDonationButtonClickMidArticle()\">Donate<\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText\"><span class=\"STND:STND BodyText Bold\">Dear IWSGOI:<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Lori and Jeff: Men seem to have more of a tendency to compartmentalize and move on while women often want resolution through working things out. If there is something you can learn by sorting through a past action or event, then there\u2019s value in holding on to it until it\u2019s been fully processed.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Lori: This may be the one and only time you can ever safely compare a woman to an elephant: we remember everything. Well, maybe not less important things like where we put our credit card or on which street we parked the car, but we do remember every word you\u2019ve ever said and the exact place you were standing when you said it. Or at least we\u2019re convinced that we do. It\u2019s not intentional. Several studies, including one done at Cornell in 2013, show that women may encode more information into their memories than men during certain experiences, particularly related to social interaction.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText\">But why we remember so much is only part of your question. Why we throw it back at you is the knowledge you really seek. There are two common dynamics that will encourage your partner to dredge up the past. The first is that whatever she is experiencing in the present moment is indicative of a pattern that has not changed. Even if you don\u2019t see the common thread between last month\u2019s spat and the argument of the moment, she may. Patterns, themes and stories that put her in the position of feeling vulnerable (that she can\u2019t trust you, rely on you, feel safe with you) are going to motivate her to bring up ALL of the evidence so you can finally see what she sees. The second dynamic is that she feels diminished by you during conflicts, and her ego is presenting evidence that you\u2019re not better, smarter or more valued than her. She\u2019s trying to level the playing field in order to feel respected as an equal.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Jeff: It may be true that your wife has an unhealthy, neurotic pattern of holding onto and dredging up the past (which she may need to be curious about and try to resolve on her own). It may also be true that your ability to compartmentalize and let go isn\u2019t actually providing any real resolution \u2014 it\u2019s actually more like sweeping things under the rug, letting them fester and having them come back out in other ways. If you truly believe you can let go and move on, be sure there are no lingering or residual feelings that might resurface at the next conflict. These emotional triggers can set off the cycle of blame, inviting past injustices to be brought back into the present as ammunition and justification for how she feels and what she believes.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText BoldIntro\">Lori and Jeff: Partners who bring up the past aren\u2019t doing so to punish or to create more conflict. Often, it\u2019s just the opposite. They\u2019re attempting to find healing for the underlying hurts that are unresolved. If you want your arguments to stay in the moment, you have to do some work together. Take the initiative to talk outside of conflict. Ask her about the things she hasn\u2019t let go of, the meaning they hold for her, and what she needs to feel safe and validated.<\/p>\n<p class=\"STND-STND BodyText Tagline\">Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to <a href=\"mailto:info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">info@AspenRelationshipCoaching.com<\/a> and your query may be selected for a future column.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.aspentimes.com\/opinion\/she-said-he-said-rehashing-the-past-can-be-message-of-underlying-hurt\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">via:: The Aspen Times<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dear Lori and Jeff, My wife of two years and I seem to have very different ways of dealing with conflicts in our marriage. I am able to get over things pretty quickly and move on but my wife seems to hold on and can\u2019t let go. Even when she seems to have moved on, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2458324","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-local-news"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-08-17 17:21:34","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"KSPN The Valley&#039;s Quality Rock","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2458324","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2458324"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2458324\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2458324"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2458324"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alwaysmountaintime.com\/kspn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2458324"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}