While officials from Aspen, Snowmass Village and Pitkin County are monitoring the health and economic impacts of the COVID-19 situation, new data has emerged illustrating how the pandemic is affecting everyday local life. A summary of the findings reveals the following numbers:
9: The number of people witnessed not wearing masks while hiking Smuggler on Thursday morning.
2,047: The number of people who Facebooked about the 9 people witnessed not wearing masks while hiking Smuggler on Thursday morning.
872: The number of letter-to-the-editor writers opposed to fluoride and 5G who also happen to have a theory about COVID-19.
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143: The percentage mark-up of an 18-pack of Charmin ultra-soft toilet paper at Sandy’s Office Supply in Aspen compared with literally everywhere else that sells the exact same toilet paper. (For real.)
61: The percentage of shoppers who think the one-way stickers on the Aspen City Market aisle floors don’t apply to them.
89: The number of people in Snowmass Village who think they must yell to be heard by the postal employee separated by a curtain.
96 : The percentage of registered voters who feel in their bones that Aspen City Councilman Skippy Mesirow doesn’t totally hate that the coronavirus pandemic distracted from his now-infamous 2019 Christmas week “right people” social-media rant.
0: The number of registered voters apt to forget Mesirow’s “right people” rant when he’s up for reelection in three years.
8,404,221: The number of emails sent since March 13 that have started with “During these uncertain times.”
3: The number of people who expressed surprise upon hearing that the open-carry friendly Shooters Grill in Rifle, which is owned by 3rd Congressional District candidate Lauren Boebert, reopened to maskless dine-in customers on May 9 in defiance of state public health orders.
-1: The number of people who have said they will be even more surprised when they hear in approximately 10 days about how a new COVID-19 outbreak cluster has emerged among Shooters Grill customers and staff.
38: The median IQ score of the people who think everything should open immediately with zero restrictions because this is America, damnit.
23: The percentage of locals who have spent time around the campfire in Fruita and Moab bemoaning the influx of Aspen’s second-home owners.
0: The actual number of f—s given by locals posting on social media about their getaways (including to Fruita and Moab) amidst a global pandemic.
-8: The number of people impressed by your good hair day. In these uncertain times, most people are willing to sacrifice a good hair day in order to wear a mask and save lives. And then there’s you, with the good hair, not wearing a mask. Tsk.
100: The percentage of people who, if they weren’t abundantly grateful for the life-saving work done by Aspen Family Connections (and their mountain of volunteers) before the pandemic, are now considering writing them into their will.
683: The number of people who admitted to using “social distance” as both a verb and an adjective over the past seven days.
71: The percentage of people who admitted to feeling some amount of shame or self-loathing for having used “social distance” as both a verb and an adjective.
4,920: The number of hours my kids spent on screens last week.
0.75: If asked, the number of hours that I will say my kids spent on screens last week.
92 : The percentage of families who adopted dogs during quarantine that are now wondering if they still would have had kids if they had gotten the dog first.
8,736: The percentage of local parents giving thanks to the Colorado gods for the good fortune of living, raising and distance-learning a family in a state that recognizes marijuana shops as pandemic-essential businesses.
4,866: The number of locals who know for sure they had Covid-19 back in January because they suffered from symptoms that were way more like the crud than coronavirus.
98: The percentage of people who are delighted to be self-isolating in Aspen-Snowmass rather than a big city (although 234% of the 98% wouldn’t mind having big-city take-out options available).
4: The number of people who admit they miss sitting in rush-hour traffic to and from Aspen each day.
75 : The percentage of people who were kidding about missing Aspen traffic. The other 25% didn’t actually hear the question correctly.
More at MeredithCarroll.com and on Twitter @MCCarroll.