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Convinced that there were ulterior forces behind getting snubbed for best columnist in The Aspen Times’ Best Of contest, we set out to explore what other conspiracies are lurking underneath Aspen’s botoxed surface.
We looked at campaign fundraisers because our commander-in-chief is essentially Francis Underwood with a learning disability and incapable of winning the presidency without an exceptional amount of help. We explored tips from a local practitioner who’s convinced the utility industry is giving us cancer and autism. Even the realm of Google reviews gets a glance. No conspiracy was too big or too small to deeply dive into.
So put on you tinfoil hats, smoke your most paranoia-inducing indica and join as we wade into the expanse of Aspen conspiracies.
CONSPIRACY: 5G WIRELESS
Ben: I don’t care either way if we put fluoride in the water. It’s only supposed to keep your molars strong, or something? Sure.
But to deny me — nay, the universe — space rocket internet speeds, which will surely include 3D memes and gifs, all in the name of some pseudo-science is exceptionally cruel. If we need to make some sacrifices to perfect the self-driving car so that I can just chill and stream movies during rides, I’ll be the first to lay down at the altar.
I don’t give a shit if me and all my friends get cancer when we’re in our 70s. I’ll just chill and stream movies until I’m cured super quick, since Greta Thunberg will have figured it out by then. I’ll risk my life on the medical advances of the future, or assume some inedible catastrophe will wipe us out by then anyway. I’m a big fan of allocating resources for today at the expense of a tomorrow we might never see.
The biggest problem with this conspiracy is HOW BORING IT IS. Gigahertz and metawatts and non-iodizing radiation? What? I’m not going to “look up” your preposterous claim that 8,000 studies have been done on oxidative stress to cells, Edward you NERD, I’m too busy chilling and streaming movies. People must get off on this because they think they sound intelligent when in reality they sound like babbling town drunk Ralph in “Friday the 13th.” Although … Ralph was right all along, so, there’s that.
Waiting until the “science is settled” in an international race for world-changing technology is foolish because nobody really cares. Hell, the jury’s still out on vaccines, chiropractors and breast feeding, and we’ve been doing those things for over 100 years. To risk it is to #capitalism.
Conspiracy: What’s in the water?
Sean: People insist tainted tap water is a product of the government. Fluoride is simply a McGuffin — this big, shiny trigger word used to deflect your attention from the truth. No, the real culprit at work here is Aspen Skiing Co. Instead of pumping Scarecrow’s Fear Toxin into the water supply with Liam Neeson and the rest of the League, Skico is selectively slipping us anti-depressants and muscle relaxers so as to keep its workforce docile and its guests sedated.
A well-timed dose of happy juice may not work perfectly for everyone — what do you think causes “altitude sickness”? — but it has a manageable success rate. When X Games rolls into town, there’s enough Soma in the water to make even the most molly-ed up bro seem like Eeyore. There’s no other explanation for rich people being so agreeable without their help.
And you think those snow guns are just blowing man-made snow? Nah, deep state Skico is putting a chemical in the solution that is making elk impotent in order decrease wildlife and expand ski terrain. Lynx aren’t introverted animals; they’re just dying. Remember in “Succession” when they ate that songbird? Yeah, Lynx is the main delicacy of the Crowns’ Fourth of July party at the Sundeck.
In this Brave New World of Ikon Passes, overworked employees and constant expansion, keeping people’s teeth clean via fluoride in the pipelines is a cavity compared to the root canal we’re unknowingly being subjected to right now. I’ve been drinking — and showering with — bottled water for years now.
CONSPIRACY: SPAMMING REVIEWS
Ben: Almost eight years ago the weed came, and since then the industry has tried its darnedest to make buying the marijuanas just like walking into Cheers, where everybody knows your name. Also something about a cat hanging by its tail, IDK. What was wrong with whoever wrote that theme song? Music in the ’80s truly was a dark period, which is why I’m sick of the overabundance of ’80s-themed parties found around Aspen during ski season. Your internet discount costume store onesie sucks; a real expert can tell that mullet’s a wig from a kilometer away or however far 20 feet is in European.
Anyway, when a certain pot shop showed success in back-to-back years in our contest for favorite dispensary, I was skeptical.
“I don’t know anyone who goes there,” Sean said. Me neither, I thought, even though I only know seven people. Well, with 100% of pollsters feeling suspicious, I decided to investigate into any alleged nefarious rigging by the establishment.
This place had a lot of Google reviews, like, more than other dispensaries, and they all followed a similar formula. Five stars was the average, mean and modicum, which statistically seemed unlikely. I stalked — I mean, looked up — random submitters and many had either one total review or were dating employees (all right, I guess that’s not too weird now that I had time to sit on it). People gushed about the budtenders by name and how “knowledgeable” (that word never looks spelled right) they were.
That’s when it hit me, like a waft of Hold Me Closer Tiny Ganja in the alley behind the Wheeler: The conspiracy might be that I’m just an imbecile. Or is that canon? Are you supposed to actually ask questions about the product? But I hate it when people do that, and I always get stuck behind tourists asking what is a CBD when I CAN SERIOUSLY PICK AN EIGHTH AND BE OUT OF THE STORE IN UNDER 90 SECONDS JUST PLEASE WILL YOU SERVE ME REAL QUICK? Maybe I’ll stop buying baggie ditchweed and binge-watching junk reality TV if I learn what I’m supposed to be sniffing for.
Well, I think we debunked this one.
Conspiracy: Campaign Fraud-raisers
Sean: Everyone knows elites love Aspen but it’s not for the weather or the mountains. I’m not saying Aspen is the Illuminati’s Eagle’s Nest, but I’m not not saying that either. All of these CEOs, government officials and dignitaries don’t actually want to ski or raft or bike.
They’re constantly meeting in Ernst Stavro Blofeld-style hideouts dug deeply into the mountain. There was never any silver in the mines. It was a ruse to divert attention away from the construction of bases used to extract intelligence and plan economic/environmental crises.
When Mike Pence flew in earlier this year, forcing Aspen taxpayers to foot the bill for his security detail, we weren’t funding the GOP; we were funding the Illuminati. Donald Trump is just a pawn used by the lizard people to further the deterioration of the planet into a climate more suitable for reptiles.
That’s right, climate change is a product of the Illuminati, and we’re funding it. The Ideas Fest and other summits designed to solve the issues of today are just giving the lizard people our blueprints to save the planet and solve homelessness.
It’s pretty easy to counteract a plan if you know what’s coming. All praise be to the Eye of Providence, Baphomet or whoever/whatever it is they worship.
Do you know who killed JFK? Ben Welch does. sbeckwith@aspentimes.com bwelch@aspentimes.com