A week ago, Thursday night, my sister called me from Florida. My mother was having difficulty breathing and she thought the congestion was due to a cold that had been going around her group of friends in the condo where she lives.
A few hours later I received a call from the Life Alert system that Mom wears like a necklace informing me that an ambulance had been called and my mother was being taken to the emergency room at Holy Cross Hospital about a mile from her home. It is the same hospital where I was born 57 years ago.
At 4 a.m. her time, 2 a.m. here, I received a text message from my sister letting me know Mom was receiving the care she needed. The fluid was being drained from her lungs and she was being checked into the hospital.
Over the next two days Mom was moved from ceneral admittance into the cardiac unit so she could receive specialized care. Fifteen years ago, Mom received open heart surgery. Since then she has worked to control the congestive heart failure that resulted from her weakened heart.
The fragility of my faith is real, but God is always present, with open arms welcoming me, you, us, back again and again and again. Teaching us his love is unwavering and complete.
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While Mom was not yet out of the woods and I was checking plane reservations to fly to Florida, one night I sat on the couch, bowed my head and began to cry. In my prayer which I spoke out loud to God, as I do when I feel my prayers most need to be heard, I said to God: “Please heal my mother, please strengthen her heart, I am so afraid to lose her now, I’m not ready. Dear God, You know I love you with all my heart. I have given my life to you, but right now I don’t entirely trust you because I am so afraid of facing the future without my mother.”
Over the next few days Mom rallied and strengthened, thanks to many prayers and the excellent care she received at Holy Cross. On Wednesday she was transferred to a rehabilitation center where she will spend the next week or two building her strength until she is ready to return home to her condo and her friends there.
Mom and I had many beautiful conversations during her time in the hospital, conversations I will treasure for the rest of my life. But most notably during this time of crisis her faith never wavered. She showed no fear. Her trust in God was absolute and complete. She was a greater comfort to me, than I was to her.
I am so grateful she is getting well, I am so grateful for her. But I was embarrassed that in my hour of crisis, my faith showed its weakness when I confessed to God that I did not entirely trust him, that my fear was greater than my faith in that dark moment.
It bothered me so much that I could not wait to go to Confession on Thursday evening this week. And what I found in Confession was consolation, thanks to the compassionate wisdom of Father Emmanuel.
We sometimes believe our choice to follow God is a one-time decision we make and no longer needs to be revisited. What I discovered this week, is our walk of faith is one which must be renewed daily, moment by moment. Not because we are weak, but because God seeks to strengthen us, to show us an even greater love, to draw us into a relationship that is untiring.
What I learned this week is it is time for me to return to my Bible, to feed my soul on God’s promises: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deut. 31:6)
I need to strengthen my faith by spending more time reading and memorizing the Word of God. I need to spend more time in conversation with God, listening. And I need to be more present at Mass, to hear God’s message and share that love with those around me.
The fragility of my faith is real, but God is always present, with open arms welcoming me, you, us, back again and again and again. Teaching us his love is unwavering and complete. We only need to seek him.
Yesterday I read of the passing of one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver. I would like to share her words with you as they speak to me now:
Another morning and I wake with thirst / for the goodness I do not have. I walk / out to the pond and all the way God has / given us such beautiful lessons. Oh Lord, / I was never a quick scholar but sulked / and hunched over my books past the hour / and the bell; grant me, in your mercy, / a little more time. Love for the earth / and love for you are having such a long / conversation in my heart. Who knows what / will finally happen or where I will be sent, / yet already I have given a great many things / away, expecting to be told to pack nothing, / except the prayers which, with this thirst, / I am slowly learning. — Mary Oliver, Thirst
Suzanne Anderson lives in Breckenridge. Her books are available at the Next Page Books and Nosh on Main Street in Frisco.